


Long Way Home

by legallyblained



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 16:45:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2032368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legallyblained/pseuds/legallyblained
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine discovers a tiny bundle in the snow, and it leads to a huge upheaval in his and Kurt's life.</p><p>Warning: references to miscarriage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Blaine was running on nothing more than adrenaline. It had been an awful day: a boy with cancer; 5-year-old twins in a car accident whose mother hadn’t made it; a teenager who needed her stomach pumped after a party; now his twelve hour shift was finally over and all he wanted to do was go home and take a long bath with Kurt before he had to get up and do it all over again tomorrow. He barely noticed the slap on the ass from Santana as he held the double doors open for a gurney, turned his collar up against the snow and started making his way toward the subway.

He was half way through the standard heavy sigh when he heard a muffled noise down in the alley by the bins. He looked around, but nobody else seemed to notice it. He followed the sound into the shadows, and hidden in a cocoon of blankets he saw her. His heart stopped. She couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old, with dark skin and clean clothes. He stooped to pick her up, hugging her close instinctively, whispering ‘it’s okay, I’ve got you,’ over and over, trying to mask the panic in his voice. He ran back into the hospital.

“Can I get some help over here?” he shouted, “I- I found a baby outside!”

“What?” Mike’s head bobbed up from behind the counter. “Blaine, your shift’s over.”

Blaine stared incredulously at him for a moment.

“Mike. Look. Baby.”

“Oh, shit. Okay, well, I can take her for now until Lopez finishes up in 4. Head trauma. Go home.”

Blaine rocked the little girl gently in his arms, swaying from side to side to try and calm her down.

“Is she the only paediatrician on tonight?”

Mike held his arms out to take her, but Blaine held on.

“Blaine-”

“Mike-”

“You’ve been here for hours. Go home.”

“But I-”

“I know I only treat adults, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to break her. Come on sweetie,” he eased her out of Blaine’s grasp and her screams got louder. “Jesus. I’ve never heard anything like this before. Is she hurt?”

“Not that I can tell, but I didn’t get a chance to look.”

“Okay, I’ll check her out. Go. Home.”

“Sure, sure.”

He followed Mike into an examination room.

“Blaine.”

“I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

Mike sighed and ignored him, laying the baby down on the table. Her cries were deafening as Mike started to prod tentatively at her tiny frame. He tried to shush her but the second he laid the stethoscope against her chest she wailed even more.

“Come on, honey, where does it hurt,” Mike mumbled, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer. “Could be pneumonia. How long’s she been out there?”

“How should I know?”

Blaine fidgeted in the doorway, desperate to pick her up and make her better, make her smile. She coughed, her chest rattling. Mike frowned.

“It’s easier when they can talk.”

“Oh, for God’s sake-” Blaine nudged Mike out of the way and lifted the baby up, wrapping the blankets snugly around her. “If you’d been abandoned in the snow, do you think you’d want somebody poking you? Look, you get back out on the floor. I’ll see if she’s hungry.”

“But your shift-”

“You’ve got an emergency room to run. Go.”

Mike glanced at the baby. She was already crying a little less frantically as Blaine whispered comfortingly to her and stroked her hair.

“If you cuddle her back to health, I swear to God-”

“She’s cold. I’m warming her up. I swear when someone else is free, I’ll go.”

Mike hesitated, but ran as soon as there was a barrage of noise from outside. At least he knew Blaine would take care of her. Blaine smiled down at the squirming bundle in his arms.

“Okay, sweetheart. Let’s get you something to eat.”

He wandered to the supply closet, where there was always some formula. Normally he’d have to get a nurse to do all of this while he took care of everything medical, but he wasn’t on duty now. They all offered anyway, but he knew they were too busy. He prepared a bottle, checked the temperature and found an empty room, all without putting the baby down, and as he sat down with her and slipped the bottle into her mouth, her cries finally stopped and she sucked greedily. He smiled when some milk ran down her chin, and wiped it up with the blanket. As he shifted her to his other arm, a note fell from the folds of fabric. He opened it and read:

_Please look after her. I can’t do it. I’m so sorry. She deserves better than me._

Blaine folded it into his palm. He tried hard not to picture a teenager, exhausted and scared and shivering as she abandoned the baby, praying someone would find her in time. He forced himself to concentrate on the girl he could help now, rocking her and whispering to her.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you now. You’re gonna be okay.”

Santana cleared her throat at the door.

“You finished an hour ago.”

“It’s okay. You were busy.”

“Well I’m not now. I’ve called Social Services. Everything’s under control. You can go.”

“When are they getting here?”

“That’s not your concern any more. Give me the baby and go home.”

“Okay. You might want to get her some clean clothes.”

“She’s warm and she’s fed and she’s safe. You’ve done enough, B.”

“What’s going to happen to her?”

“Same thing that happens to all of them. She’ll go into care until they can find her parents. If they don’t want her, they find her someone who does.”

Blaine frowned. His arms tightened ever so slightly around the baby and she gurgled contentedly.

“I can hold onto her until someone gets here. You’ve got better things to do than sit around feeding a baby.”

“I can find someone else.”

“Santana-”

“Blaine. I know you’ve had a crappy time lately. I’m really sorry things didn’t work out, but won’t this just make you feel worse? Taking care of someone else’s baby?”

“I take care of other people’s babies every day. I just- I don’t want her to be on her own.”

She wanted to argue that this baby wouldn’t make up for anything, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“Okay. Shout if you need anything.”

He was barely listening to her, just smiling at the little girl as her hands grasped the bottle. Santana walked over to him, kissed his cheek and squeezed his elbow, and left him alone.

He found a romper suit that was too big for her (the paediatric ward always had spares), changed her diaper and wrapped her up again. He checked her pulse, her blood pressure, and as soon as he knew everything was normal he just sat down with her again, with another bottle just in case. Apparently she didn’t need it, and dozed off huddled against Blaine’s chest. Blaine hummed softly to her, letting her hand grasp his little finger, and his eyelids were just starting to droop too when he was startled awake by a cough. He blinked rapidly a couple of times, looking down to see if the baby was alright, and he heard a single, gentle laugh. He looked up to see Kurt standing in front of him with a paper bag in his hands.

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“Oh God, Kurt, I’m so sorry, I should have called-”

“It’s okay. I called the front desk and Britt told me you’d be a while. I thought you might be hungry,” he held the bag up, “chicken and avocado. Your favourite.”

Blaine smiled, but he noticed Kurt wasn’t really looking at him. He was gazing at the baby. He’d walked in on the life they’d almost had, and his eyes were sparkling despite his soft smile.

“You’re an angel.” Kurt nodded and his smile faltered for a second. “Kurt? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine. I’m fine. She’s adorable.”

“Isn’t she? Somebody just left her outside. All alone, in this weather. It’s heart-breaking.”

Kurt nodded again. It was heart-breaking. He knew there was probably a story behind all of this, that some poor girl had been scared and not known what else to do, but it made him sick that someone could have anything this precious and just leave it. He knelt next to Blaine’s seat, stroking the baby’s hair with the back of his finger. He couldn’t help smiling a little.

There were purposeful footsteps coming up the hall, and a small brunette in a rabbit-print dress popped her head around the door.

“Blaine?”

Blaine’s heart sank. He wished he didn’t know everyone from Social Services so well.

“Hi, Rach. You here for this one?”

“I’m sorry it took so long.” She noticed Kurt. “Oh! Hi, I’m Rachel! I don’t believe we’ve met!”

Blaine stood up and introduced them, his stomach twisting at how cheery she was, even this late at night, in this room, knowing he would have to hand the baby over and never know what would happen to her. Knowing that she would probably be in care for years. That people don’t want to adopt mixed race babies with pneumonia.

“So do you have someone who can take her?”

She sighed.

“Not yet, I’m afraid. Group home until we can find her parents, but we don’t really have anything to go on. We’ll ask some other hospitals, see if they had any young mothers in, check records, but we’ll get her in a foster home as soon as there’s a space somewhere. Things are all stretched pretty thin right now. The bursaries aren’t enough to cover expenses, especially with babies, and nobody can afford to foster anymore.”

Blaine bit his lip as he handed the baby over to Rachel and she started crying again. Kurt’s face fell. Rachel bounced her up and down a little and shushed her, but she kept squirming uncomfortably and whimpering.

“We could take her,” Kurt blurted out without thinking.

“Kurt-”

“Well, why not? It’s better than some group home. We’ve got everything she’d need anyway.”

“Kurt, it’s not that simple. There are protocols and stuff; we’re not qualified-”

“Blaine, you’re a children’s doctor. How much more qualified do you need to be?”

Blaine glanced at Rachel worriedly.

“But… wouldn’t we need some kind of checks? References and stuff?”

She puffed her cheeks out, still trying to calm the baby down.

“Well, I- I could be your referee. I’ve seen you with kids enough times. If I maybe came back to your place to check it over, we might be able to work something out.”

Blaine’s eyes widened.

“Seriously?”

“You know this would only be temporary though, right? The best thing would be for us to find the mother and figure out a way to help her.”

Blaine squeezed Kurt’s hand, knowing he’d be thinking something along the lines of ‘the mother who left her to die; sounds peachy’.

“Of course, of course, but if we could help, just for now… we’ll do anything we can.”

“Gosh, hold on, just let me-” Kurt held out his arms and she gave him the baby so she could rifle through her bag for her phone. “I’ll call my supervisor and see what I can do!”

She disappeared into the corridor.

“Blaine, am I-” Kurt shifted her a little, “Am I doing this right?”

“Yeah, just- here-”

He moved Kurt’s arm so the baby’s head was resting on the crook of his elbow. Kurt let out a shaky breath.

“She’s so small.”

“Mmm.”

“I can’t believe somebody could…”

“I know. Kurt, are you sure about this? You don’t think it’s too soon? We haven’t even looked in the nursery since-”

“Blaine, she has to go somewhere. I know it’ll only be for a couple of days. I just want to help.”

“Think about it, though. You’re already invested after two minutes. Do you think you could give her back after taking care of her for a day? Maybe more?”

“Really, Blaine, what are the chances of them finding the mother? And do you really think she wants to be found? Or that she’d even be a fit parent?”

“Kurt.”

“I know. I know it’ll suck giving her up, but it’ll suck more if she gets moved around until they can find a place for her. I work from home anyway. Why not?”

“Because last week we-”

“You want this too, Blaine. You’ve just been sitting with her for an hour.”

He looked at the baby, and at Kurt’s arms holding her as if she’d always been missing from them.

“I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

“I don’t want her to be alone.”

Their eyes locked and Blaine’s hands stroked up Kurt’s arms where they were tensed, putting all of his energy into protecting the baby. She sighed gently and his eyes filled with tears. He reached up to kiss Kurt’s temple.

“Okay. Okay, let’s do it. Yes.”

Kurt tried to rein in his smile, knowing the more eager he looked the worse an idea it probably was, but it was hard to hold back. Rachel bustled back in.

“Right. Apparently we’re desperate. No offence. Is there a fax machine somewhere here?” Blaine nodded, his heart swelling as he felt the baby’s hand closing around his finger again. “Good. I hope you like filling out forms, boys, because you’re about to become foster dads.”

***

Rachel drove back to their apartment, showing Blaine how to strap the baby into the car seat – she had to have one in her car all the time in case of this very eventuality. She babbled incessantly about regulations and routines and boxes she would have to tick before she could leave them, and they both nodded, staring at the little girl in the car seat. Kurt was stroking her cheek with his fingertip, and Blaine was holding her tiny hand in his. When they got home, Kurt went into interview mode, politely showing Rachel around and offering her a drink while Blaine unstrapped the baby and fixed up a bottle for her. Rachel frowned a little when she saw that they happened to have formula in the cupboard, but continued to check things off her list and ask endless questions.

They got to the nursery. It was a little cold, but Kurt switched the radiator on.

“Sorry, nobody’s been in here for a while.”

“It’s okay. You know, she seems really comfortable with you, Blaine.”

“Good. We want her to be comfortable, even if it’s only for a little while,” he glanced pointedly at Kurt. “Is there anything else you need to know?”

“Well, I don’t want to pry-”

“You’ve been raiding our house for an hour. I think we’re okay.”

“It’s just- this. The room, the crib, the formula, you’ve got all this stuff for a baby- did you…”

“Oh. Almost. We had a surrogate, but there were some complications. She miscarried.”

“Gosh, I’m so sorry. Was it recent?”

Blaine opened his mouth but Kurt cut him off.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, actually. We ask that people wait six months after this kind of thing before taking on a new child. They need time to grieve.”

“Oh. Well-”

“That’s fine. It’s been… about eight months now?”

Blaine stared at him for a second, but the baby wiggled and distracted him.

“Right. I’m sorry,” Rachel said, nodding and patting his arm. She was annoying, but she genuinely seemed to care. “I know it’s never easy to talk about.”

“It’s fine.”

“Well, it’s unorthodox but I can’t see any reason why she can’t stay here. I’ll come back tomorrow to make sure everything’s okay, and as soon as we find the mother or another home, we’ll let you know. You’ve got my number, and I’ll give you an information pack that should cover everything you need to know.”

“Um,” Blaine manoeuvred the baby onto his other arm, “okay. Thank you.”

“Oh no, thank you. I shouldn’t say this, but I’d much rather she was with you than the group home. The people who run it are wonderful, but they’re already stretched as far as they’ll go. And some of the kids in there… they’ve had it pretty rough.”

“We’re happy to help; especially if it means we get to take care of this little angel,” he leaned over Blaine’s shoulder to smile at her and take her hand. He pressed a casual kiss into Blaine’s hair and showed Rachel out. As soon as he’d closed the door, he turned to see Blaine standing opposite him, no longer holding the baby.

“Why did you say that?”

“Did you put her down? Are you sure it’s not too cold in there?”

“It’ll be fine. She’s all wrapped up. Kurt, why did you lie?”

“You heard what she said about the other place.”

“Kurt. It’s been eight days, not eight months. It’s too soon.”

“It’s different for us. It’s not like we were the ones having… you know. It was just a phone call as far as we were concerned.”

Blaine didn’t have to correct him. They both knew he was lying. They both remembered clinging to each other that night, crying as if they would never stop. Blaine just stepped forward and took his hands.

“Sweetheart-”

“Don’t, Blaine. It’s just some rule made up by people who don’t even know us. Are you really telling me she’d be better off somewhere else?”

“No, of course not. It’s not her I’m worried about. It’s you. It’s us. They’re going to find her mom. Or they’ll find a registered foster home. We can’t keep her.”

“But we can keep her for now. For tonight. Just for a couple of days, there can be a baby in that room. And at least this time we’ll have something to say goodbye to.”

Blaine looked deep into Kurt’s eyes and slipped his hands onto his waist while Kurt’s slid up Blaine’s arms to rest on his shoulders. They were both trembling a little. They were undeniably still feeling the loss, the absence of something they’d never seen or held, something they missed so much it hurt. But there was a baby girl upstairs who’d been left in the snow, who nobody else wanted, who needed them. Blaine kissed Kurt, pulled him close and whispered, “Okay.”

“Really?”

Blaine nodded.

“She deserves someone who cares about her.”

Kurt kissed him again, the tension leaving his body. Never mind caring about her; he was already head over heels.


	2. Chapter 2

They were woken by crying, and Blaine’s eyes barely opened in time to see Kurt beaming and leaping out of bed.

“This is supposed to be the bad bit,” he mumbled into his pillow before rolling over and following him, a smile creeping onto his face too. He pushed down the concern in the back of his mind. He could deal with that later. He only had two hours before he had to go into work; he might as well spend them with Kurt and the baby. He stopped in the doorway of the nursery, watching Kurt scoop her out of the crib. He’d already developed an ease with her, holding her like he’d been doing it for years. There was hardly any sunlight coming in, but it was just enough to make Kurt glow as he stood talking to her, rocking her – _falling in love with her_ , Blaine thought. _This is going to kill him._

“Good morning, angel!” Kurt whispered, “Are you hungry?” He held her closer and sniffed, his nose wrinkling. “Well, I guess angels get stinky too. How about we get you all cleaned up then I’ll fix you up some breakfast, okay sweetie? Sound good? Yes it does!”

He peppered her cheek with kisses and laid her on the changing table, reaching for the supplies that were already lined up, wipes, lotion, clean diapers, and changing her. He’d done it before, with Mike and Tina and Santana and Brittany’s kids, and even though it was years since he’d dealt with anyone so small he fell straight back into it, lifting her legs up, sticking the new diaper in place and folding the old one up to throw it away. He slipped her into a clean onesie, bending down to drop kisses on her cheeks as he picked up her arms and manoeuvred them into the sleeves, still chattering away to her absent-mindedly. He buttoned her up, told her she looked beautiful, picked her up and cuddled her close as he walked towards Blaine in the doorway.

Blaine realised he’d been leaning his head on the doorframe, watching Kurt contentedly. The sensible part of his brain, the one telling him not to get too comfortable, had faded into the background, far behind ‘this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen’, but he noticed Kurt holding the baby just the littlest bit closer when he got near him. As if Blaine was some monster ready to steal away this perfect, precious moment. Blaine knew deep down that he was supposed to be honest and realistic, but he didn’t want to be that person here. Not at home, not with Kurt.

There was a slight pause as Kurt brushed past him, stroking the baby’s head with the side of his thumb, and Blaine laid a hand on his elbow.

“Kurt.”

“Mmm?”

“You…” he saw it then, the fear in Kurt’s eyes, the knowledge that this couldn’t last and the determination not to think about it. “You look good together. You’re amazing with her.”

Kurt had achieved so much, things nobody else could ever dream of, had the most lavish parties thrown in his honour, received awards and accolades reserved for the absolute elite – but this tiny comment, this little bit of reassurance from the person whose opinion he valued above everyone else’s, made his face crack into the biggest smile Blaine had seen since a month ago, when a fuzzy series of black and white lines appeared on a screen and they’d squeezed each other’s hands and cried. His shoulders sagged in relief and he leaned into Blaine, letting one hand fall and rest on Blaine’s waist. His head fell onto Blaine’s shoulder for just a moment, and with his eyes closed he reached up to kiss Blaine’s cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered, before walking down to the kitchen, giving the baby gentle bounces in his arms as he walked. Blaine knew he should probably shower and get dressed, but he realised he was following Kurt and the gentle sounds of the baby snuffling and gurgling. He swept up to Kurt, putting a hand on the small of his back.

“Why don’t you two go sit down? I’ll get her breakfast.”

Kurt grinned, kissed him, and walked into the living room. As Blaine fixed up a bottle of formula, he heard Kurt humming softly and he closed his eyes, choosing the fantasy over the reality for today.

***

Kurt needed to go shopping while Blaine was at work. He knew he could afford to take a few days off – he worked from home these days anyway, and these circumstances definitely warranted an extension on the deadlines he was working towards. They only had enough baby supplies for a day or so, and they needed groceries for themselves too. He decided against going to their usual store, because it would mean people he knew seeing him with the baby, asking questions he couldn’t bear to answer over and over again. He knew a place on the other side of town where he was unlikely to bump into anyone, so after Blaine left for work he packed up a bag of diapers, bottles, and all the other baby stuff he could possibly need, and left with the baby snoozing in a sling against his chest.

Initially, avoiding questions had been his only thought, but something changed when he got out of the house. He got on the subway, bag slung over his shoulder and baby sleeping on his front, and people gave him smiles and offered their seats. He declined: he really didn’t need it, and getting it for a baby that wasn’t his felt like cheating. But they still smiled at him. They didn’t know the circumstances. They saw a man with a beautiful baby and gave him that look of ‘you must be so proud’. He felt a warm glow swelling in his chest and he bent his head forward so he could kiss her temple as she slept.

He walked into the store, a cute little market, going through the shopping list in his head and picking up vegetables, minced beef (he’d decided to make lasagne tonight, Blaine’s favourite), general supplies, and he eventually got around to the baby aisle. He picked up the basics – formula, diapers, and walked a little further to see different items. They weren’t necessities, but they were cute – tiny pacifiers, little plastic books for bath time, and then he saw a stuffed yellow bear. It was no bigger than his hand, and he couldn’t help picking it up and stroking it with his thumb for a second. He told himself it was nothing, just something to distract her with if she got upset, but he felt a twinge of guilt when he put it in his basket.

“Who’s this little angel?” a voice behind him asked. He spun around to see an old woman, skin just a little darker than the baby’s, smiling at the bundle with the woolly hat covering it.

“What?”

The woman nodded at the baby.

“She’s adorable. Aren’t you, sweetie? Gosh, she’s so quiet. You’re lucky; mine were never this good in public.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah, she’s quiet now. You should have heard her this morning.”

“Oh, I’ll bet she’s got some lungs on her. You and your… partner must be exhausted.”

He smiled. He knew he would never pass for straight, and he never wanted to any more.

“Husband,” he said proudly with a nod, “and yeah. He’s a doctor, so he’s used to getting zero sleep.”

She kept cooing over the baby and smiling.

“What a perfect little family. Does she have a name yet?”

The word ‘family’ had thrown him, and he had to swallow as he stared at the little girl quietly snuffling against him.

“Daisy.”

There were alarm bells ringing in his head, but he squashed them. It was fine. He was still in control. And the woman really believed that this was his baby.

“Sounds just right for this little flower. Well, it was nice meeting you, Daisy and Daddy. You two have a good day.”

“We will,” Kurt replied in something of a daze as the woman walked away. She’d believed it. She thought he was really a father, and that this little girl was his daughter. He was just trying to remember what he was meant to be doing when he heard another voice coming from around the corner.

“Kurt?”

Kurt’s eyes widened.

“Quinn?”

“I guess I’m not the only one who was trying not to run into anyone they know.” She came around the corner to hug him, but took a step back when saw the thing in the way. “Kurt? Who’s this?”

“Um. It’s a long story. Blaine, uh- how are you? How are you feeling?”

“Still a little sore, but- Kurt. How- whose is she?”

An ache in his gut wanted to say ‘ours’.

“Blaine found her last night at the hospital. Somebody just- we’re taking care of her until they find her mother. Poor thing was just left in the snow.”

Quinn reached out to stroke the baby’s head for a second, but she quickly moved to touch Kurt’s arm instead.

“That’s awful, but… is this really a good idea? Isn’t it a little soon? And won’t you just have to- give her back?”

“It’s fine. A social worker approved us. It’ll only be for a couple of days.”

Quinn frowned at the protective hand Kurt was cradling the baby’s head in.

“Uh-huh. And… what if they don’t find the mother?”

He knew he shouldn’t have thought about it, he shouldn’t even consider the option, but a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“Then- I guess they just- find somewhere more permanent.”

“You mean with you?”

“Well- I don’t know. I don’t see why not.”

“Kurt, it’s barely been a week. Don’t you think it’s a little too soon?”

“It’s been nine days-” he closed his eyes for a second. Quinn knew exactly how long it had been. “She needed a place to stay. The system’s stretched so thin- we just wanted to help.”

“How does Blaine feel about this?”

“Blaine’s amazing with kids. He cares about her as much as I do- about making sure she’s okay. That’s all it is.”

“Kurt.”

“Look, this stuff isn’t going to pay for itself. I should go. Need to get home.”

Quinn stood still as he made his way to the checkout, watching the way his body curved to shield the baby. She handed the basket she’d been carrying to an attendant, apologising, and walked out of the store.

***

Blaine was just poking his lunch around with a fork, letting his mind drift back home to Kurt and the baby, to putting her to bed tonight, maybe singing her to sleep, maybe just holding her until she drifted off, when he heard a throat clearing behind him.

“I was hoping I’d catch you on your break.”

“Quinn?”

He hadn’t seen her since it happened. She looked so different: still a slight swell over her stomach, but her face was thinner and it seemed like she hadn’t slept in a week.

“Hi, Blaine.”

After a moment of sitting there frozen, he jumped up and ran to hug her. He tried hard to control his breathing, knowing how much he must have been shaking. He tried to channel all his energy into holding his friend.

“It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“I know I should have called, I’m sorry-“

“No-“

“Blaine.” She pulled away and made herself look into his eyes. It was obviously a struggle. “I’m so sorry. I just- I didn’t know what to say. You both must be so- I can’t imagine how disappointed-“

He hugged her again, a tear squeezing onto her collar.

“Hey. All that matters is that you’re okay. That’s all I care about.”

She stroked his back soothingly, knowing the signs of him desperately trying not to fall apart. She kissed his cheek and eased him onto the sagging old couch next to them and sat with him.

“How are you holding up?”

He shook his head.

“I- I don’t know. It’s been- we’ve been keeping busy, I guess.”

“So I’ve heard.” He frowned in confusion. “I just ran into Kurt. With a baby. Blaine, what are you guys thinking? You can’t do this. You’re still- grieving. You need to get over one baby before you can take on another one, especially when you’re going to have to say goodbye to her eventually.”

“We’re not idiots, Quinn. We know it’s going to be difficult. We can cope.”

“It’s not about coping. You’re just asking for more heartbreak.”

“We’re fine.”

“I know you don’t want to have to be the one to tell him. I know you had to tell him about- what happened with me- but this is so soon. It’s going to hurt more the longer you have her.”

Blaine swallowed hard and willed the tears in his eyes to disappear.

“Look, I have to get back to work.”

“You’ve barely touched your lunch-“

“This is a hospital, Quinn. We don’t have a lot of free time. I’ve got to go. You should too.”

She shook her head in disbelief and tried to take Blaine’s hands. He let her, if only for a second. He pulled away and ran a hand through his hair.

“Okay. I just- I’m here if you need me, okay?”

He pursed his lips and nodded.

“Thanks, Q. I, um- I should. It was good to see you. You look really great.”

She pulled him into one more hug, and he didn’t sink into it the way his body told him to, but he hugged her back.

***

Blaine heard chattering at the speed of light as soon as he opened the door. Rachel was here.

“I just can’t believe how much better she looks already. One day and it’s like a completely different baby. Look at you, sweetheart, with colour in your cheeks, and you look so warm and toasty, I could just eat you up! You’re clearly doing a good job with her, Kurt. Has it interfered with anything? Work?”

Blaine walked in just in time to see Kurt shake his head.

“It’s not a problem. I called them and explained. I do most of my work here anyway.”

“Well, it looks like this is perfect for all of you! Oh, hi Blaine!” he squeaked as she saw him in the doorway. He came in and offered his hand, which she promptly batted away and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She sat down again and picked up her cup of coffee. “I was just telling Kurt, we haven’t had any luck finding the mother. It could take another couple of days, but by the looks of things that won’t be a problem. You both seem to be coping excellently.”

Blaine narrowed his eyes, wondering if they were just putting on a good front or if she was really that oblivious. He didn’t feel like he was coping that well.

“We’re happy to have her for as long as you need us to.”

“Well if our search keeps flopping like this, you might get stuck with her forever.”

Blaine knew Kurt was trying to mask it, but his eyes were lighting up as he looked at the baby in Rachel’s arms. He sort of wanted to gag the woman. Obviously, she didn’t know how recently they’d lost a baby, or have any idea how badly Kurt wanted one, but it still seemed pretty tactless. Just because she knew Blaine through work, it wasn’t an excuse for her to be any less professional.

“Kurt,” he tried to change the subject, “is that your lasagne I smell?”

“It sure is. Should be ready in five minutes.”

“In that case, I’ll leave you to it.” Rachel stood up and passed the baby back to Kurt, whose face broke into yet another smile as soon as she was in his arms. “I’ll call you as soon as I hear anything, but if not, I guess I’ll come back in a week or so? See how you’re doing?”

“That sounds fine,” Kurt replied, even though he was still staring at the tiny face looking up at him. Blaine wished he didn’t look quite so happy. So much happier than he’d been for days.

Blaine saw Rachel out, and came back inside to see Kurt standing in the middle of the kitchen, swaying from side to side and rocking the baby.

“Kurt?” Kurt raised his eyebrows expectantly, his face open and smiling, still bouncing a little.

“Yeah?”

“I just- I think we-” Kurt’s grin started to fade immediately, and Blaine remember how it had looked when he’d had to sit him down and tell him about the miscarriage. Broken. He just couldn’t bring himself to make it look like that again. “Do you want me to take her? While you serve up?”

Kurt relaxed and smiled again.

“Sure. Here we go,” he whispered to the baby as he passed her to Blaine. He rocked her and breathed in her sweet powdery smell, his eyes falling closed. He stroked her hair and held her close and told himself the same lie he told Quinn: they were going to be fine.


	3. Chapter 3

The light always woke him first. The buzzing vibration and the brash showtune blaring out of his phone were just noises to make sure he would get up and turn it off. He wanted to change the ringtone but Kurt refused to tell him how.

“If it’s going to wake me up too then it’s gonna be something I like.”

“Ridiculous,” he’d muttered as he stabbed at buttons on the screen, “I’m a healer of the sick, I can deliver a baby, but I can’t change my damn ringtone…”

Now he didn’t even groan, just hauled himself to his feet and swiped at the screen to switch it off. Kurt rolled over, distressed as always by the sudden lack of warm, soft husband next to him, but Blaine shushed him and leaned over to kiss his cheek. Kurt, still half-asleep, manoeuvred himself so he could catch Blaine’s lips instead, cupping his jaw and kissing him sleepily. Blaine smiled against his lips but eventually pulled back, stroking softly down Kurt’s chest until he was laying flat on the bed again.

“Sorry, babe. No time.”

“Later?” Kurt drawled, rubbing at his eye with the heel of his hand.

“Later,” Blaine dropped a kiss to Kurt’s forehead, “I promise.”

Kurt smiled and snuggled down into the sheets, clutching at Blaine’s pillow and inhaling deeply. Blaine grinned. It took all his strength not to jump straight back in, but he got dressed anyway. He knew there would be some child in desperate need waiting for him at work. For now, he could still take a second to see the child sleeping next door.

She was already awake, calmly waiting for something cry-worthy to happen.

“Morning, baby girl,” he whispered to her as he scooped her out of the crib. She didn’t need changing or feeding, but he couldn’t resist taking a minute just standing with her, feeling her tiny warm body moving in his arms, watching her chest rising and falling, feeling her fingers grip around his. She yawned and he automatically did the same. “Hey, it’s okay for you; you get to go back to sleep. I’ve got to be at work in half an hour – that’s 3am. Are you going to try and get some more sleep instead of waking my husband up before then?” She blinked twice at him. He took it as a yes. “Good girl. Okay, honey, I guess I’d better get going. Just wanted to come and say hi. So. Hi.” She blinked again, bubbles forming at her lips.

He lifted her up, not to kiss her cheek or smell her hair, but just to have her as close as possible for a second.

“God, I love you. You probably already know, but I do.” He didn’t even realise he’d said the words. They’d just fallen out. Even if they’d registered with him, if he’d had the energy yet to process what he was saying and somehow try to think himself out of it, it wouldn’t have worked. It was true whether he wanted to admit it or not.

Blaine walked into the hospital with a skip in his step and a song in his head. It was still pitch black outside, and Mike, Santana and Brittany were all nearing the end of 13-hour shifts, but he couldn’t stop smiling. He didn’t even notice the looks they gave each other, the ones that said ‘he’s kidding himself’ and ‘well I’m not saying anything to him’. He just picked a chart from the front desk and got straight to his first of a double shift. It would be just as dark when he left as it was when he arrived.

His first patient was a little boy, just under four years old, screaming with stomach pains. Blaine managed to distract him for long enough to ask him exactly where the pain was, and when he clutched his side Blaine was pretty certain he knew what it was. The boy was wheeled away for an appendectomy twenty minutes later. Blaine had to see to other patients for a while, but when he got a second he went to speak to the boy’s mother, waiting on a cold, plastic chair outside surgery.

“I promise, he’s going to be fine. This is totally routine.”

“Mmm. I know that, really, but it doesn’t stop you worrying. Nothing does.”

“I know.”

“Thank you, though, so much. You were so great with him- do you have kids?”

Blaine paused for a moment then looked down.

“No,” he replied, shaking his head, “but we want them. Me and my husband.”

She smiled.

“I’m sure you’ll get there. I mean, you can’t get a much better parent than a children’s doctor, can you? And from what I can tell, you’re a natural. I almost wish you were my dad.”

He laughed.

“I don’t know about that. It’s not easy, getting there.”

She frowned and put a hand on his wrist.

“Have you- are you trying-”

He shook his head quickly, feeling a swelling in his throat.

“Oh, it’s a long story. Look, I’ve got to run, but I’ll definitely see him again before you two leave, okay?”

She nodded, understanding that even if he wanted to vent, he didn’t have time for a meltdown at work. She went to phone her husband and tell him everything was going to be fine.

There was a thirteen-year-old girl waiting for him when he got back down to the waiting area. She told him she’d been exhausted and throwing up for a week, and her father had insisting on bringing her in.

“No problem,” Blaine said with a smile and a gentle hand on her shoulder, “let’s just get you into a room.”

He held the door open and gestured to the bed for the girl to sit down, and her dad sat in the seat next to it, holding her hand and putting his free palm to her forehead to check her temperature.

“Okay, honey, just tell him what’s wrong.”

“Well, I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m super tired all the time, and I’ve thrown up, like, every day this week. And I just feel kind of achy all over.”

“Have you eaten anything unusual recently?”

She looked at her father, who shrugged.

“I don’t think so.”

“How long has this been going on? Have you had any flu-like symptoms? Coughing, runny nose…”

“About two weeks? And not really. It doesn’t feel like a cold or anything.”

“She just got over a cold a couple of weeks ago. Could it be some kind of residual thing, from that? She so rarely gets anything, that’s why I brought her here. She’d only complain if she was really sick.”

“Right. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like flu, not if your nose isn’t blocked or anything. Faye, I have to ask you this, but is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

Her mouth fell open, but she shook her head.

“No. No, that can’t be it. I haven’t- I- I haven’t even started my period yet.”

Blaine glanced at the girl’s father, whose grip on her hand had tightened.

“Well, actually,” the girl’s eyes immediately started glistening with tears, terrified, “you might have started your menstrual cycle without actually having a period yet.”

“What? How? But- I can’t be. No.”

Faye’s father was staring at her now. He looked nervously over to Blaine.

“What are you trying to say, doctor? She’s thirteen. Of course she’s not pregnant.”

Faye had gone quiet.

“Faye, honey?” Blaine asked, tentatively putting a hand on her elbow, “Would you rather have this conversation with just you and me? Maybe get Dad to step outside just for two minutes while we talk?”

“I’m not going anywhere. Faye, tell him you can’t be pregnant.”

She shook her head, staring at the ground, blinking quickly.

“I… I can’t be. We-” she swallowed, “we were careful.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “I can’t be.”

The father was shaking his head. His hand dropped hers and fell into his lap, making her suck in a quick, sobbing breath.

“You mean you- Faye, you can’t be… you’re thirteen. You can’t be having sex. Who is it?”

“It- it’s a boy in my class- you don’t know him.”

Blaine was sure everything was about to kick off. He tried to figure out a way to stop all hell from breaking loose.

“Sir, maybe you should step outside for just a minute-”

The man ignored him, but took his daughter’s hand again.

“Did he- force himself on you?”

She steeled herself to look him right in the eyes, and shook her head. His hand stayed where it was. Blaine could see utter panic in his eyes, but he took a deep breath, stood up and wrapped his arms around his daughter. She started crying, enveloped in the soft flannel of his shirt and scrunching her nose where his beard was tickling her. He nudged her a little to the side so he could sit up on the bed next to her, keeping his arm tightly coiled around her shoulders, and kissed the side of her head.

There was a mixture of ‘I’m sorry, Daddy’ and ‘no, honey, everything’s gonna be okay’ and all Blaine could do for a moment was sit and watch.

“Would you like a moment? I could go, if you two-”

They both shook their heads.

“Sweetheart, I think before we start panicking we need to know where we are.”

She nodded quietly and sniffed.

“So, I’ll get you a pregnancy test if that’s okay?”

She nodded again.

“Okay. I’ll be right back; I just have to go and get a couple of things.”

He left in search of a urine cup, but as he went, he stopped to look back at the man and girl on the bed. He just kept holding her, stroking her hair, rocking her a little, and she leaned into him, her eyes closed, as if in spite of everything he still made her feel totally safe. He had to stop and lean against the wall for a second.

What would he do in the dad’s situation? Would he cope that well? He’d always thought he would, but that man – he’d held that little girl when she was born, sent her off on her first day of school, maybe taught her to read, to ride a bike, and now her whole childhood could be about to disappear.

And of course, his brain looped right back to the baby. What if her mother was in the same situation, without the love and support back home? Just because she didn’t have the same supportive parents some kids had, did that give her any less of a right to try to look after her baby? What if she’d just panicked and thought she wasn’t good enough to do this by herself, and maybe with support from people like Rachel (or maybe some slightly more tactful people), maybe she could make it work.

All Blaine could think was that whatever the circumstances, she’d carried a baby for nine months, and now she was out there somewhere, alone, terrified, with no idea if her daughter was okay – alive, even. She would probably need medical attention, at the very least. He had to admit to himself that he couldn’t bear the thought of giving the baby back, but he knew the mother needed to be found. However wrong it was for her to leave the baby, she deserved another chance, just as much as Faye deserved support from her father.

When Blaine went back into the room, Faye’s dad was still holding her.

“You know, no matter what happens, whatever you want to do, me and your mom and going to be here for you. No matter what. We both love you so much, honey.”

She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Blaine handed her a box of tissues for her nose, and the cup for the pregnancy test.

***

If only that had been the most stressful case of the day.

A little boy had meningitis. A broken leg from a volleyball game had led to the discovery of cancer in the girl’s bone marrow.

One woman brought her daughter in with a headache and left alone.

The baby they were looking after was someone else’s baby, and so was her mother. Two lost children.

He had almost twenty minutes left of his shift, but he was ready to throw in the towel.

“Now, look into my eyes, mister. Right here.”

“Kay.”

The boy sitting on the bed stared straight at Blaine’s face, just inches away from his own.

“Tell me. What are you never, ever going to put up your nose again?”

The boy chewed on his lip for a second, brow furrowed.

“Beads.”

“You promise?”

He nodded.

“Okay. Put it there, so I know we’ve got a deal.”

The boy shook Blaine’s hand.

“Honey, what do you say?”

“Thank you, Doctor Blaine.”

“You’re welcome,” Blaine grinned as he lifted the boy down from the bed. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. “Take care of yourself, buddy.”

The boy’s mother shook his hand tearfully.

“Thank you so much, I’m so sorry, he just-”

“I thought it was pretty. I didn’t want to lose it.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Maybe try a pocket next time you see a really pretty bead, okay?” Blaine turned to the mother. “He’s a great kid; he’s gonna be fine. Just make sure he doesn’t get anything else up there.”

As soon as they were gone, he checked his phone.

_Kurt: I think we may have been wrong about her being a girl…_

There was a picture of the baby in the sink full of soapy water, a foamy beard on her chin. Blaine snorted, then came that same feeling as always. The heavy coldness in his gut, reminding him that this wasn’t the future he’d been imagining for years. It wasn’t their family.

“Blaine?” Mike said, his head poking out from behind the doorframe. “You okay?”

Blaine looked up at him and gestured to his phone.

“It’s Kurt. Picture of the baby.”

Mike smiled and ducked his head to catch Blaine’s eye.

“Oh, right. How’s she doing?”

Blaine looked at the picture again and his face crumpled.

“Amazing.”

Mike didn’t have to ask any questions. He walked over to Blaine and pulled him into a hug, feeling his whole frame shaking as he cried into his shoulder.

***

Blaine heard Kurt’s voice as soon as he walked into the apartment, quick pecks between his words that he knew were being peppered on the baby’s cheeks.

“You,” -kiss- “are the prettiest” -kiss- “baby girl” -kiss- “I’ve ever seen.”

Blaine closed the door as quietly as he could, not that Kurt would have heard him anyway, and leaned against it. He let his head loll back and his eyes fall closed, wrapping his arms around his middle and gave himself one moment. One more moment to pretend, to let himself believe this could be real. That Kurt really was holding their baby, that this was what he got to come home to every night, that they would get to see this little girl grow up, that this was his family. But it wasn’t. Blaine felt tears in the corners of his eyes. Kurt was his family, he had been for years, but now – now Kurt knew how it felt to have more than just Blaine, and Blaine was scared to go back.

It was barely a whisper, but he still heard it.

“Daisy. Daisy Anderson-Hummel.”

It was like a punch to the gut. Naming her at all was a terrible idea, but that name – he needed to step in. He gave his eyes a rough wipe on the cuff of his coat sleeve and shook his head quickly to try and gather his thoughts.

“Hey,” he called out, just so Kurt couldn’t say anything else and make everything that much harder, “I’m home.”

He walked into the living room to see Kurt on the couch, baby on his lap, sitting up a little straighter when he saw him. His smile was inhibited.

“Oh. How long have you been back?”

Blaine smiled softly.

“Lovely to see you too, darling.”

“Oh. Sorry. Yeah,” he stood, smiling more freely, and kissed Blaine, settling a hand on his waist. “How was work? Did you get our picture?”

Blaine nodded.

“Yeah. About that.”

Kurt sighed and turned away, walking into the kitchen to get a bottle. He’d only just fed her, but he wanted to avoid Blaine’s eye for a minute.

“What is it, Blaine?”

“Kurt, you can’t- you-”

“Can’t what?” Kurt asked, still looking away. Blaine could see his guard going up, a solid wall coming between them. “She’s a baby. I was a giving her a bath. It’s not like she can do it herself.”

“But Kurt-”

“You don’t have to give me the face. I know you’re doing it again – that ‘my husband’s so silly, getting caught up in a fantasy’ face. I was just giving her a bath. I know we can’t keep her. You don’t have to keep monitoring me so I don’t run away with her or something.”

“One of us has to be serious about this-”

“Why, Blaine? I’m not an idiot-”

“But-”

Kurt was distracted by the baby once, twice, three times while Blaine tried to talk to him – either spitting up or gurgling or suckling on his thumb instead of the bottle.

“Oh, honey, come here-”

“I just think-”

“God, she did the cutest thing just before you got back-”

“Babe, you’re not listening-”

Kurt’s smile faltered.

“I don’t need to listen. I know what you’re going to say.”

“Kurt, do you think I like this? Do you think I enjoy being the mean husband who keeps crapping all over everything all the time? I hate it. I hate the look on your face every time I try to remind you that this isn’t real, like I’m taking something from you. I can’t stand it. But I have to do it-”

“Blaine-”

“I have to do it, Kurt, because you’re falling in love with her.”

There was a moment of silence. Kurt put down the bottle he was holding and wrapped both arms around the baby as he held her against his chest. He sniffed and cupped the back of her head with one hand. His nose buried in the little hair she had, he forced himself to look up at Blaine.

“So are you,” he mumbled.

Tears were stinging in Blaine’s eyes again. He nodded.

“I know. I can’t help it. But Kurt, there’s going to be a call. Any day now. And I’m terrified.”

“You don’t know that,” Kurt mumbled.

“What? Yes I do. Even if she never turns up, they’re not just gonna give her to us; that’s not how it works. There’s a woman, a girl out there somewhere missing this baby. She deserves a chance to be her mom.”

“Well, she should’ve thought of that before she left her out in the snow. She could’ve died, Blaine!”

“But- at least she chose a hospital. She must have cared a little bit.”

“Are you really saying she’d be better off with her? That some- some teenager would really be safer than us, or that she’d love her more?”

“It’s not about that.”

“No. You’re thinking about her like just another patient. You just want to fix her up and ship her out, like you do all the kids you see every day. It’s because of that girl that this baby is sick. It’s because of us that she’s getting better. Excuse me for having feelings.”

The baby started to squirm and whimper in his arms, feeling the tension building. Kurt shushed her, kissed her head and rocked her. They both spoke more quietly, but she was still uncomfortable, as if she could sense how unhappy they were.

“I heard what you called her, Kurt.” That made Kurt stop for a second. He stroked the baby’s hair, his eyes closing for a moment while he sucked in a shaky breath. “Tell me you’re not getting too attached.”

“It- it was just a name. It felt weird not calling her a name.”

“And of all the names you could’ve chosen…” Blaine ran a hand through his hair, “It just happened to be Daisy? My grandma’s name? The name we’d picked out for-” he had to swallow, “you know what I mean.”

Part of Kurt wanted to keep arguing, to keep shouting at Blaine because there was nothing else he could shout at, but he knew he’d lost. Blaine picked up the little yellow bear from the kitchen table, glancing up at Kurt as some kind of reprimand for buying it, and waggled it in front of the baby.

“Blaine, I-”

“I’m gonna go take a shower. It’s been a long day.” He handed the bear to Kurt and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. “He’s cute.”

Kurt stood still, watching Blaine leave, until a wriggle against his chest snapped him out of it. He bopped her nose with the bear’s paw.

“Okay, baby.” His voice cracked as he held back from calling her anything else. “Let’s get you to bed.”

***

“Hey,” he whispered tentatively, wandering into the bedroom where Blaine was standing at the sink in a towel, brushing his teeth. “There’s dinner downstairs if you want it.” Blaine shook his head and spat into the sink. “Okay.” There was a pause. He stepped closer, leaning a shoulder against the wall. Blaine rinsed his mouth out and spat again. “You were right.”

Blaine leaned heavily on the basin, toothbrush still in his hand. His head fell forwards, and Kurt stroked over the small of his back.

“Kurt, I shouldn’t have said-”

He was quieter than before. Sadder.

“Yes, you should.” He came even closer, putting both hands on Blaine’s hips and dipped his head forward to kiss between his shoulder blades. “You were right.”

“She asleep?”

Kurt nodded.

“She’s fine. And I have been- getting too attached. I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”

“I know. You know I feel the same, right? You know I’m just as crazy about her-”

“I know you are. I just thought maybe- maybe it could work. God, Blaine, I really wanted it to work, I wanted us to be- to have-”

Blaine took Kurt’s hand and walked him to the bed. Kurt silently followed him and they sat together. Blaine had to sniff and take a slow breath before he could speak, and Kurt waited for him, trying to ignore the thumping in his chest.

“She called.” Kurt’s eyes drooped closed. “Rachel. My phone was ringing when I got out of the shower. They’ve found her. Actually, she came forward. Sixteen. Sweet kid, apparently. Rach is bringing her tomorrow, around eleven.”

“Okay. Do I- I don’t think I can. Can you do it? Can you get the day off? I can’t-”

Blaine reached up to stroke his hair, gently pulling him down to his bare chest. Kurt huddled in close and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s middle.

“It’s okay. Mike can get cover. You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to.”

Kurt pulled his legs up and clung to Blaine a little tighter, pressing his face into his chest, and Blaine turned to wrap him up, stroking down his side and kissing his hair as they stretched out on the bed. Blaine’s towel slipped off and his hair soaked the pillows, and Kurt didn’t even laugh. He just curled in closer.

“Thank you.”

Blaine cupped Kurt’s cheek, stared into his eyes and kissed him softly.

“You wanna cash in on that promise I made you this morning?”

Kurt gave him a sad smile and shook his head. They cried themselves into a fitful sleep, wrapped around each other, knowing soon they would have to say goodbye to their second baby in as many weeks. They didn’t say another word, but as long as they were still touching, each still feeling the other’s breath on his skin, they knew they would be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you sure this is okay? This doesn’t feel right, leaving you.”

Blaine ran his palms up and down Kurt’s arms and stepped closer, neatly slotting their hips together. He gave him a quick kiss and an easy smile.

“Relax, honey. This is practically my job, remember? I don’t want you to feel any worse than absolutely necessary. If this helps, I’m all for it.”

He had to try and make it easy for Kurt. He focused so hard on Kurt’s wellbeing that it made it impossible to think about himself, and that was the way he liked it. He could never be so selfish as to ask Kurt to stay, just for his benefit.

“Okay,” Kurt squeezed the words past the balloon that was slowly inflating in his throat, “here we go, sweetie. Over to Blaine.”

He shifted the baby from his arms to his husband’s, his hands shaking, his voice a meagre attempt at calm. His hand drifted over her for a second and her fist closed around his little finger as it brushed past her. Kurt had to purse his lips and sniff before he bent down to kiss her forehead and pull his hand away.

“You sure _you’re_ going to be okay?” Blaine asked. It was pretty much all they’d asked each other since last night.

 _No_ , Kurt wanted to say, _not one single part of me is going to be okay for a long time, and I hate leaving you but I can’t watch her go, and at least this feels like it’s my choice to say goodbye even though I wish I didn’t have to say it at all._

_I’m scared for me, for you, but most of all for her._

_I just want to know that we’re all going to survive this._

“I’m sure.”

Blaine nodded.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He tugged his coat around himself protectively. “I’ll see you in an hour-ish? I’ll bring home something for lunch.”

Blaine reached up to cup Kurt’s cheek with his hand, and Kurt closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.

“I’ll call you when- when it’s okay to come back.”

When she’s gone.

Kurt nodded, took one last look at the baby and heaved a sob before he turned and left. He knew the healthy thing would be to say goodbye properly, but the word never made it past his lips. It already hurt enough.

By the time the doorbell rang, Blaine wished he had been selfish.

He opened the door to a beaming Rachel and a surprisingly skinny girl hiding a little behind her arm, long brown hair hanging over her shoulders. She was pale and obviously scared, but Blaine had a knack for telling if a kid was dangerous. She wasn’t.

“Blaine, this is Marley. Marley, Blaine’s the man who found the baby.”

She gazed up at him for a second, wide-eyed, before stepping up and wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. It took him by surprise, but his instincts took over and he hugged her back, stroking her hair and shushing her as she started babbling.

“Thank you so much. I can’t believe what you must- I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll take such good care of her- is she okay? Can I- can I see her?”

Blaine took a deep breath and pulled away, making sure he smiled at her and made eye contact. He knew she would need to feel trusted.

“Of course you can. She’s your baby.”

She let out a half laugh, half sigh, wobbly and nervous.

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. God.”

He put a hand on her back and walked her into the living room, where the baby was dozing in her carrier. The sound Marley made when she saw her wasn’t that different to the one Kurt had made when he’d had to leave. It was quiet but pure, pained somehow. The poor girl was terrified. She took a few steps towards her and reached out to stroke her cheek with a finger. She whispered a little ‘hi, baby’, as if she were scared of being heard, as if she had no right to be there, and she was just about to reach in and pick her up when she looked back at Blaine, eyebrows raised nervously. He realised she was waiting for his permission and gave her an encouraging nod.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Rachel added, just making Marley flinch, “you won’t hurt her.”

Marley sucked in a breath. She was just scared of making her cry; the idea of hurting her hadn’t even entered her mind. Shaking just a little more, she steeled herself as much as she could and eased her hands in around the tiny form nestled in blankets. She stirred a little and Blaine could see Marley wanting to back down and run away. He looked at Rachel who obviously wasn’t going to step in, and walked over to where Marley was standing, placing a gentle hand on her wrist.

“Here,” he said, as if he were talking to one of his younger patients, “you’re doing fine. Just support her head with this hand, then get your arms under there- perfect. See?” She pushed out a long breath which she must have been holding for thirty seconds. The baby didn’t make a sound, settling into the hold. “Just keep your arms nice and relaxed. They can tell when you’re nervous.” Marley nodded, her shoulders sagging as she forced herself to calm down.

“Mm-hmm. Blaine, is this okay?”

Blaine couldn’t help but flash back to when Kurt had first held her and he’d asked the same question.

“She seems pretty comfy to me,” he said with a smile, “look. She’s trying to get closer to you.” For the first time since she arrived, Marley smiled when she looked down and saw her baby snuggling against her chest, showing no signs of resistance. “I think she likes you.”

Marley sniffed, and Blaine noticed tears in her eyes.

“Really?”

Blaine nodded.

“Wow. Hi, little girl. Do you remember me? I’m- I’m your mom.”

Rachel put a hand on Blaine’s arm and whispered in his ear.

“The only reason we couldn’t find her before – we weren’t looking far back enough. She’s six weeks old.” Blaine’s stomach lurched. She was far too small for six weeks; then again, Marley was far too thin for a girl who’d given birth less than two months ago. “She won’t tell me anything about the father. She says if his mother finds out, it’ll be hell for all of them. I’ll keep pushing, but I can’t force her to get him involved. So sad.”

“But you’ll still help her?”

“Oh, of course. We’ll make sure the baby’s safe and healthy now that we’ve got her on our books.

Blaine wanted to ask if they’d been checking on Marley’s welfare too, but he held his tongue despite the clench in his chest. He just kept smiling and turned to Marley again.

“Good. Well, we put a bag together for her – there’s enough diapers for a few days, some clean clothes, the formula we had left over-”

“We?”

Rachel gave Blaine’s shoulder a light squeeze.

“Blaine and his husband have been taking wonderful care of her the last couple of days. Other than the pneumonia, she’s been doing really well, and we’ll make sure you get all the antibiotics she needs.”

Marley was staring at the baby’s eyes as she started to wake up. She didn’t cry, just blinked up at the girl holding her. Blaine heard Marley whisper “I’m sorry” while Rachel talked.

“So, if that’s everything, I guess I’ll take you two home?”

“I- are you sure? Now?”

Blaine kept trying to smile. As long as he could maybe help Marley be a little less scared, he would be okay. He could still keep himself on hold. He put a hand on her back, stroking a thumb over her shoulder blade.

“You’re going to be fine. There’s plenty of support for you if you need it, right Rachel?”

Rachel nodded eagerly.

“Absolutely. Come on, sweetie, let’s go.”

Marley glanced from the baby to Blaine and back, looking terrified with a desperate attempt at determination.

“Thank you for everything, Blaine.”

He knew she meant more than looking after the baby. She felt like he’d been looking after her too, even if just for ten minutes.

“Don’t worry about it. Look after her - and take care of yourself too, won’t you?”

She stopped for a moment.

“Well. She’s the priority now.”

Rachel ushered her out, telling her everything was going to be fine, nodding at Blaine in thanks. He kept nodding and smiling, having to bite his tongue when he looked at the baby. He wasn’t sure which girl he was more worried about. He just knew it was better for him and Kurt to stay out of it and move on. They’d been hurt enough. He just needed this moment to be over.

“Bye, baby girl,” he whispered, clenching the doorknob to stop himself from dragging Marley back inside. He could have sworn the baby waved goodbye, even though he knew she was nowhere near old enough and it was just her hand opening and closing. He waved back anyway. He kept the door open and watched as they strapped the baby in her seat, climbed into the car, and drove away. He kept watching when they were gone, just in case they could have forgotten something. After seventeen minutes, he closed the door quietly and rested his head against it, taking slow, deep breaths. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“Kurt.” He still managed to keep his voice even as he spoke into Kurt’s answerphone. “Come back. Please.” He paused. “I need you to come back.”

***

“Blaine?” Kurt bustled into the house, overloaded paper bag in his arms. “How was it? What was she like? Was the baby okay?”

He frowned when he didn’t get an answer, but carried on into the kitchen, putting the chilled food in the fridge and leaving the rest on the counter for now. “Blaine?” He listened for a response, but none came. He walked through to the living room. “I thought I’d just do a stir fry for dinner-”

He stopped in his tracks when he saw Blaine on the couch, fast asleep, tears striped across his cheeks. His legs were tucked under him, and his head was balanced awkwardly on the too-hard arm of the sofa. Kurt knelt next to him, stroked his hair out of his eyes, and that was when he spotted a little yellow bear grasped in his hand. He closed his own hand around Blaine’s, giving a squeeze, took a pillow from the armchair next to him and lifted Blaine’s head to slide it under, and he nuzzled into it with a hum. Tugging the blanket from the back of the couch and draping it over both of them, he climbed carefully over him and settled in behind him, burying his nose in the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Kurt?” Blaine mumbled, voice still thick with sleep and sore from crying. “You okay?”

Kurt shushed him and curled his arms around his waist, pressing kisses into his neck.

“I’m here now. I’ve got you.”

Blaine couldn’t say anything else. He felt his throat swelling again, and all he had the energy to do was lean back into his husband and cling to the arms holding him.

***

Two weeks passed. Kurt started going into the office again. He couldn’t think straight at home. He couldn’t think straight anywhere, but at least there weren’t as many distractions there. Nothing to associate with the baby, nothing to make him want to break down crying. Blaine took every shift he could get, almost always staying late despite everyone’s objections. Soon enough, they all stopped commenting. They figured he just needed to keep taking care of people. Maybe there were two girls he couldn’t look after, but that wouldn’t stop him from attending to every other child in the city. At any time of day, both of them were either at work or asleep.

The few times they were both at home and awake, they talked about anything but the baby. Work. Weather. Friends. Anything they could think of.

The only thing that didn’t change was the touching, the constant contact whenever they were together, the need to feel skin on skin, gentle strokes and squeezes, and they still slept tightly wound around each other.

***

A tut snapped Kurt out of his stupor.

“Look at her. Living off my taxes, I’ll bet.”

He tried to zone them out, recognizing the tone all too well. He could remember the same voices muttering ‘it’s unnatural, two men. I wish they wouldn’t rub it in my face.’ He realised he’d been staring at ketchup bottles for five minutes, and tried to look in his basket to remember what the hell he was supposed to buy. He’d been told not to come into work today, to take some time for himself, even though it was last thing he wanted. He thought maybe making a decent meal for him and Blaine would make him feel better, even if only because it meant he could make sure Blaine ate, but he was too exhausted to do anything but wander around the store absent-mindedly.

Exaggerated sighs were still heaving out of the couple behind him, and he turned to see what they were so annoyed about. His eyes were met by a pram, with odd supplies stacked inside, and a grizzling little girl with soft, brown skin in the baby carrier, nestled amongst the groceries. Kurt couldn’t breathe.

He knew that baby.

Looking around, he couldn’t see anyone taking care of her. She kept squirming uncomfortably, and despite having no intention of moving, he found himself walking towards her. He let her wrap her fingers around his thumb and smiled when she squeezed, a lump forming in his throat.

“Okay, baby,” a girl mumbled, flustered, as she came around the corner with a pack of diapers in her hand, “I found them.” She stopped in her tracks when she saw Kurt. “Who are you? What are you doing?”

His mouth fell open for a moment, but he couldn’t pull his hand away from her.

“I’m sorry, I- she was crying, so I just- sorry.”

She sighed in a sob of relief.

“Oh god, no, I am. I get paranoid, you know?” He nodded. “How did you get her to be so quiet? She’s been stressed out all day.”

“Well, whatever you’re doing, don’t stop. It’s nice to have a break.”

He shook his head. She had no idea how much he’d love to keep holding this tiny hand forever.

“No, I don’t want to intrude. Just- she’s lovely, though. What’s-” he told himself not to ask, but couldn’t hold back, “what’s her name?”

Amazed to be treated like a real parent rather than a delinquent, she beamed.

“Daisy.” Kurt flinched. “It was my aunt’s name, but she passed away a couple of years ago. I thought it- would mean a lot to my mom… Not that it really matters any more…” She paused, trying to figure out the shock on his face. “Sir? Are you okay?”

A shaky breath later, he nodded.

“Uh-huh. It’s- it’s lovely, that’s all. Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Marley smiled proudly at her daughter. “Do you- uh- need help with anything?” His gut told him to walk away, but he didn’t know how.

“Gosh, no, you’ve already been so kind. I wouldn’t want to take up any of your time.”

He nodded, his mind flooding with a thousand excuses to stay with Daisy’s hand clamped onto his thumb, but he eased her off.

“Don’t worry about it. I guess, uh- just- have a good day, I suppose.”

Her forehead creased with a hint of a frown, confused as to why he seemed so bowled over by her name, but she just smiled and went on her way, cooing over the baby as she walked down the aisle. Kurt gazed at her, pushing the cart away with no idea that she’d just slammed into him with something as simple as a name.

She seemed okay, though. She was overwhelmed, of course, but she was a single mother. It came with the territory.

It was all Kurt could do to stay standing.

Hope and dread filled him at the thought of running into her again. He was already feeling the emptiness of saying goodbye to her one more time, and he didn’t know what another farewell would do to him, but he never wanted to rule out the possibility of seeing her again. Daisy. A choir sang in his head, screaming that it was the name he’d called her, the one he and Blaine had picked out for their daughter, and now she was- she was with someone else. Her mother. And apparently she was fine without him.

With a bump to his hip from a man walking past, he shook himself back into focus. He went back to his shopping, picking items up on autopilot as he tried not to think about the baby but thought of nothing else.

At the register, all he wanted to do was pay and leave before he could bump into her. He just wanted to run home to hug Blaine, to feel those hands on his back, grounding him, making him feel normal, like his whole world wasn’t spinning the wrong way – just as he was about to walk out of the door, he heard a familiar screaming that pulled him back.

“Could you try it again?” Marley asked the boy on the register as she picked the baby up and tried to soothe her. “Shh, Daisy, it’s okay- look, I know there’s money on it. Please.”

“Miss, I’m sorry, but it’s just not working. You could try calling your bank?”

She looked utterly lost, and there was a queue building behind her. She apologised and stepped to one side, pulling out a phone and just staring at it. She had nobody to call. Kurt knew he should just leave, that it was none of his business, but-

“Sweetie? Is everything okay?”

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.

“Um- I can’t- I can’t pay. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just not get it, it’s for her, what am I going to-”

He took her hand that wasn’t holding Daisy, covering up the phone.

“Don’t worry about it. Just take of care of her now.”

She looked confused, then tried to stop him when he stepped towards the register, pulling his card out of his pocket.

“No, you can’t- sir-”

As she rushed up to him, still trying to calm the baby in one arm, he patted her wrist soothingly, stroking a thumb up and down the back of her hand. He spoke quietly but firmly, so she wouldn’t be embarrassed but she also wouldn’t argue.

“You need money. I have money. I’m not using it right now. Please let me do this – for her,” he nodded towards the baby, and she looked down at her, squirming and whimpering in discomfort.

“I- uh-” she looked over at the line of sympathetic but clearly annoyed shoppers, the confused cashier, the bags of food that she desperately needed, and into Kurt’s eyes. She couldn’t find any malice there. He really did just want to help, and she was on the verge of bursting into tears in the middle of the store. “Okay. Please. Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. Thanks,” he said to the boy at the till as the payment went through, “it’s really no big deal. I couldn’t just hear her crying and walk away, could I Daisy?” She’d quietened down now, and was contentedly suckling on Marley’s little finger. “Listen. My name’s Kurt.”

“Um. Marley.”

“There. Now we’re friends. I’m just a friend helping you out.”

He picked up her two bulging shopping bags, squeezing them alongside his own.

“No, you don’t have to do that-”

“Honey, you’ve got your hands full. How about we stack these down here-” he slotted her bags into place on the shelf set into the pram for that very purpose and she blushed a furious red, feeling like an idiot for not realising it was there before, “then you’ve got your very own shopping cart.”

He edged her away from the till so she didn’t feel humiliated in front of everyone, and just when they were out of sight, she started crying.

“God, Kurt, thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have- I’m such an- I- thank you.”

He shushed her a little, taking Daisy’s hand again despite his better judgement.

“Honestly, it’s no trouble. I’m happy to help.”

“Well, let me do something- I, um, I could make you lunch?”

Sirens starting blaring in his head, telling him to stop. To get out.

“Oh, I don’t think I should-”

“Please. I mean, you said we were friends, right?”

“Well, I-”

“Kurt. Please let me do this.”

He’d dented her pride enough. He felt like he couldn’t say no.

“Okay. That would be lovely. Thank you, Marley.”

She grinned at him, blinking her tears away.

***

She insisted on letting Kurt hold the baby while she cooked, despite his protests that she probably just needed a nap.

“No, no, not for another couple of hours if I can help it. I’m trying to keep her to a routine. I hope you like pasta; I’m not the greatest cook in the world.”

“It’s fine. Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

He wanted any excuse to put Daisy down; it hurt too much to hold her, feel her warmth in his arms.

“I’m sure,” she gushed as she hurried around her tiny apartment, attempting to clean it up. It wasn’t even that messy, just a little disorganised, but she seemed embarrassed nonetheless. “You’re helping me just by taking care of her. Gosh, you’re a natural with her. She loves you. How do you do that?”

He ignored the sting in his chest and smiled.

“Hey, I’m not as good as you.”

She grinned, a rosy tint in her cheeks.

“You really think so? I worry so much about her. Like, she should be with a real grown up, not- never mind. Really though, you’re so – do you have kids?”

He shook his head.

“No. We- we tried- but no. Sometimes I think,” he couldn’t stop himself from sharing, even though he knew it was too much. It wasn’t as if he could say it to Blaine. “I think maybe it just isn’t meant to happen, you know?”

He regretted it immediately. She looked so ashamed, so apologetic – here she was, struggling to take care of a baby she never meant to have, flaunting her right under his nose.

“Well,” she tried to comfort him, “that’s crazy. Look at you. You’re meant to do this. It’ll happen.”

He suddenly felt all wrong. His hands were stiff and his chest was burning and his eyes were stinging; he needed to get out.

“Look, Marley, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I need to go. I’m so sorry.”

He got up and pushed the baby into Marley’s arms, taking both girls by surprise. He closed his eyes as Daisy started crying and the sound pierced him like an arrow.

“Kurt? Did I do something?”

“No, no I just- I can’t. Sorry.”

***

He got home to hear Blaine humming to himself in the kitchen. He quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks before walking in.

“Hey, you,” he said, doing a good job of pretending he wasn’t crumbling, “I didn’t think you’d be here.”

Blaine smiled weakly as he sipped a cup of coffee.

“It was a long morning. Needed to see you. And have some decent coffee. Everything okay?”

Kurt wanted to tell him everything, try to explain what had just happened, but he didn’t know where to start. How could he tell him he’d bumped into Marley without sounding like he’d stalked her, without getting that disapproving look from Blaine for getting too caught up, even though it would be completely true? He swallowed and nodded.

“Yep. Come here.” He pulled Blaine into a hug, telling himself again and again that this was all he needed. Blaine was his family. He smelled like home, and Kurt clung on tight. Blaine hugged him back just as hard. “Missed you.”

“I missed you too. I’m supposed to have another shift in twenty minutes, but I- I could stay? We could just- be here tonight? Together?”

Kurt heaved a sigh of relief, but sucked in a breath just as quickly. The idea of just the two of them for the evening, just trying to heal properly, feeling Blaine’s skin under his all night, sounded heavenly, but there was a weight in his stomach. He officially had a secret that he was keeping from Blaine. He’d never done it before, and he hated it, but he had no idea how to tell him what had happened. It hurt enough while it was happening, never mind recounting it all to Blaine and having to admit that he’d done it for selfish reasons. He’d wanted to help Marley, of course he had, but part of him just wanted to hold that baby again. He’d gone behind Blaine’s back and he suddenly felt wrong just holding him. He didn’t think he could take a whole evening of it.

“No. I’m okay. They probably need you at work.”

Blaine wanted to argue that they would cope without him, that he’d rather be here, but the ‘no’ from Kurt shook him. He pulled back to look into Kurt’s eyes in case maybe he would change his mind and ask him to stay, but it didn’t come. Blaine nodded solemnly.

“Okay. Yeah. I guess I’ll just- go.” He made one last attempt, one last effort to get Kurt to be honest, to say he wanted him there. One word would have done it. “You sure?”

Kurt nodded and kissed his forehead. Blaine felt a crack snaking its way through his heart. He nodded back and gave Kurt’s hand a squeeze.

“So, I guess you’ll be asleep when I get back, and we’re both working tomorrow, so… I’ll see you when I see you?”

Another nod, a fake smile each, and he left. Kurt spent an hour staring at sketches he was supposed to be working on before giving up, going to bed and crying himself to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Kurt felt the tell-tale dip in the mattress of Blaine climbing into bed. His body ached with the need to roll over and touch him, look into his eyes even if they were already closed. He felt like just the sight of his eyelashes fanned out, casting tiny blades of shadow on his cheeks, would be enough to stop his heart twisting for a minute, but something told him it was a release he didn’t deserve.

Even when Blaine risked sliding a cool hand onto his hip, Kurt suppressed a shiver and an urge to scoot back into Blaine’s hold, convinced it was too much for him. He squeezed his eyes shut and pretended he was unconscious.

A sting flared in Blaine’s lip when he realised Kurt was faking sleep and had to bite down on it to stop himself crying. He pushed his cheek into his pillow and withdrew his hand from his husband’s side.

For the first time in their marriage, Kurt and Blaine slept in the same bed without touching.

***

Things stayed the same for another week.

Work. Home. Quiet.

Hands unheld.

Lips unkissed.

No skin-on-skin.

There was next to no contact between them. That told them both that something was wrong, that if they didn’t do something soon they could be in serious trouble, but as much as they knew they needed to talk, neither knew where to start.

***

On Monday, Kurt left for work at the normal time. Gave Blaine an obligatory peck on the cheek instead of the soft, lingering kiss he would have brushed against his lips a few weeks ago. He got the same old train, walked the same old route, but as soon as he reached the door of his office he stopped. His hand slid right off the handle and he turned around and just kept walking. He ignored the concerned calls of ‘Kurt? Are you okay?’ behind him and strode out as fast as he could, letting everything around him become a blur.

He walked.

He walked in and out of coffee shops, leaving either because the queue was too long or because there wasn’t one at all – _I don’t want to stand quietly in line, but I don’t want to talk to some college kid behind a counter either_ – and he slid straight past his usual retail therapy boutiques, every art gallery and museum that he would visit every time he felt low, every time he needed reminding of where he was, how far he’d come, the culture that he was immersed in every day… nothing felt right. He wanted to be everywhere and nowhere, split into a thousand pieces so none of him would have to think- until he found himself outside a little supermarket he didn’t come to often. In fact, he’d only been there once, where he’d found a little girl crying, and a not-much-bigger girl getting pretty close to doing the same.

He shouldn’t go in. He knew it was a terrible idea. But as hard as he willed himself to walk in the other direction, his feet carried him in.

Just in case.

At first he thought he was imagining the screaming – maybe he just wanted them to be here that badly, or maybe he was losing his mind, but the pained looks around him told him everyone else heard it too. And if he was imagining it, there was no way his own mind would be sick enough to make her sound that distressed.

He picked up an apple, some baffled attempt at pretending he was here for legitimate reasons, and his eyes darted around frantically as he rushed down an aisle trying to find the source of noise. It couldn’t be her. There was no way – and there she was, the carrier perched on a shopping cart, just like before. A little girl, no bigger than when he’d last seen her, bawling for attention. He couldn’t see Marley anywhere. His stomach churned as he rushed over to try and soother her, knowing it was a terrible idea but unable to stop himself. She needed him – she needed someone, and he was the only one there. He didn’t feel like he had a choice.

“Hey sweetie,” he cooed gently as he took her hand between his fingers and stroked her cheek with a thumb, “no need for all this noise; I’m here now.” He glanced around as he shushed her. He told himself he was looking for Marley, that he wanted to see her rushing around the corner with some broccoli and that she could take care of everything from here, but an ache in his gut told him he was really just checking that he wouldn’t be caught. He didn’t want Marley to show up and ask why the hell he was here again, why he was playing with her baby. Either way, she was nowhere to be seen, and although Daisy had quietened down, she was still grizzling. Kurt went against every logical impulse and scooped the baby out of her carrier, holding her close. “That’s it, baby girl. I’ve got you now. It’s okay.”

He closed his eyes, concentrating on the little hiccups vibrating against his chest, the way her frame relaxed as he rocked her.

“Kurt?” His eyes snapped open and he spun around. He saw Marley, her mouth open, dark circles under her eyes, her cheeks grey, and his insides clenched with guilt. He was ready to let apologies spill from his lips, but she didn’t give him a chance. “God, I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life.”

“Wh-“

“Honestly, Kurt, you couldn’t have turned up at a better time. I can’t get her to settle, and I- I just needed to get out of the apartment. I don’t even need any groceries, but I felt like I was going crazy in there.”

Kurt blinked.

“Oh. Don’t- don’t worry about it. I just happened to be- yeah. It’s fine.”

She smiled weakly.

“You must be like, my guardian angel or something.” Kurt was silent. “Even though you probably think I’m a mess, dragging her out here just so I can get some fresh air.” As she talked, she kept brightening up. Kurt wondered how long it had been since she’d spoken to anyone but the baby.

“No. It’s not crazy. I don’t need to be here either. Actually, I’m skipping work right now. Needed some space.”

Marley nodded. She understood.

“Well, if we’re both here- do you-“ she paused, wondering if she could pull off what she was about to say without sounding stupid, “Do you want to have lunch? With us?”

The baby was already feeling too heavy for him, like he was going to drop her any second. He started to shake his head.

“Oh, I don’t know-”

Marley steeled herself.

“You said we were friends. This is what friends do, right? It’s just lunch.”

Kurt swallowed and nodded.

“Okay. Okay.” He handed the baby back to her, and winced when she started to mewl uncomfortably again as she was tucked into her carrier. “Hey, why don’t I take that, and you can just hold her? I think she just wants a cuddle.” Marley looked at him in surprise for a second, partly feeling defensive, but mostly feeling helpless. She had to take every bit of kindness that came her way, and Kurt was basically all the kindness she’d had for weeks.

There was no ‘I know better than you’ about it. He just didn’t want her baby to be upset. She lifted her up and Kurt watched as she took a moment just to breathe with her, eyes falling closed, taking in that heavenly smell. Daisy stopped crying.

***

Kurt convinced Marley to sit with the baby while he got drinks for both of them.

“There are two bowls of chicken soup on the way; I hope that’s alright.”

Marley tried to suppress a grin.

“It’s my favourite- but you didn’t have to.”

“Don’t. I promise, it just makes me feel less guilty for ditching work.”

Marley smiled sadly at Daisy.

“My mom used to make it for me when I was little. She said it was the best cure for everything.”

She wiped drool from Daisy’s chin and carried on feeding her – the girl behind the counter of the diner had been happy to warm up the formula for her.

“She sounds nice,” Kurt said, “I can’t believe she- does she know where you are? About her?” He nodded at the baby. Marley shook her head.

“I couldn’t do that to her. She worked so hard to try and give me a decent life, and I just- threw it all away. She’d be heartbroken.”

Kurt felt a heavy thud in his stomach.

“Marley, she needs to know where you are. That you’re okay. She must be worried sick.”

Marley shook her head again, more vigorously, her eyes widening.

“No. No, Kurt, please, you can’t make me tell her. I couldn’t do that to her; she’d be so ashamed of me.”

“Marley, no,” Kurt put a hand on her wrist, “you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re bringing a baby up all by yourself, and that must be terrifying. You’re so brave.”

Her eyes started to glisten with tears.

“Not everyone’s as nice as you, Kurt.” It stung like a slap in the face. He wasn’t being nice; he was being selfish. “Nobody else understands. I told a couple of my friends, and they just- they said some horrible things to me. I haven’t spoken to them since. Daisy’s dad doesn’t want to know. I- it doesn’t matter.”

Kurt’s heart broke for her. She wasn’t just scared or tired. She was lonely.

Maybe he didn’t have a baby, but he had his friends, his dad and Carole, Blaine – or at least he hoped he did. Marley didn’t have anyone. He tried to talk about something happier.

“You know, Marley, I don’t know all that much about you.”

“What is there to know? Teen mom screw up. Pretty simple.”

“No, honey, I know there’s more to you than that. I mean, I know you’re not in school these days, but when you were- what did you like? Which classes?”

She went blank for a second, as if that seemed like a lifetime ago. Then a smile appeared.

“I liked glee club. I used to sing all the time. I actually started writing some stuff- but I don’t have time now-”

“Glee club? I was in glee at high school! It’s how I met my-“ he remembered that she’d met his husband too, and it was probably best not to bring him up, “my best friend. What kind of music do you write?”

She transformed. Her smile was broad and genuine instead of just sad and grateful, she started gesturing, bouncing the baby a little, even laughing as she talked. Her eyes got brighter and Daisy cheered up as she felt the tension leave her mother’s arms. It was lovely to see her so happy, but Kurt tensed, knowing it couldn’t last. They’d have to go their separate ways, and she’d stop being a teenager, a girl who loved to sing and she’d disappear into being someone’s mother again. Kurt didn’t doubt for a second that Marley adored her baby, but he could tell she was miserable.

After they ate and drank and talked until it was starting to get dark, they said their goodbyes. She hugged him and squeezed him so hard he could barely breathe. He realised the only person she had around to hug was Daisy, and she was scared enough of hurting her as it was. He hugged her back, desperate to offer some solid, physical support. She tried to refuse when he gave her his phone number. He just wanted to give her soup and a friendly ear once in a while if he could, even if it felt like his skin was on fire every time he had to be near the baby. Marley looked as if a strong wind could blow her away, and it was November in New York. If he didn’t offer some help, she might not make it.

He played the afternoon over and over in his head on his way home. The guilt on Marley’s face when she looked at Daisy. The beginnings of sentences she hadn’t finished: “I just wish I didn’t…” “Sometimes I think she’d have been better off…” “I miss being just a teenager instead of… no. It doesn’t matter.” It seemed so wrong that her childhood, her innocence had disappeared so suddenly. Then he remembered the other thing that was wrong – he had given her his number. He had become a friend, maybe the only friend, to the girl he was never supposed to know, the girl with the baby a part of him felt was still his.

He was a fucking idiot.

***

He was greeted when he got home by the smell of roast chicken, laundry, and a fresh, clean Blaine, and his heart sank. It was one thing to feel terrible about himself, but it was made ten times worse by how wonderful Blaine was all the damn time.

“You’re early!” He said brightly, emerging into the hallway with an earnest smile. It sent a sting down the back of Kurt’s neck.

“Sorry,” Kurt sighed, “do you want me to come back later?”

“No chance.” He paused when he reached Kurt. They froze for a half second that felt like an hour, just inches away from each other. Blaine eventually leaned in to kiss his cheek and Kurt closed his eyes trying to ignore the heaving in his stomach. There was a kind of first date nervousness. As if they were strangers.

Blaine helped Kurt out of his coat, and Kurt pulled off his gloves one finger at a time, only to have his hands immediately enveloped by Blaine’s, rubbing them to warm them up. “God, it’s awful out there. Come sit down, I’ll get you something to drink. Red okay?”

The words were right in his throat, ready to pour out – _I need to tell you something, I saw the baby today, I saw her with Marley and I know I should stay away from them but I can’t, I’m worried about them…_

He nodded.

Blaine smiled apprehensively and dared to go in for another kiss, this time on the lips. Kurt stiffly accepted it, and silently berated himself for not being better, nicer, more like Blaine. “Is there a reason for all this?” he asked, pleading with his muscles to loosen, trying desperately to give Blaine the real smile he deserved. “It smells amazing in here.”

Blaine gave a little shrug.

“I love you.” Kurt’s stomach seized up. “That’s the only reason I need.” Blaine rolled his eyes at himself. “God, sorry. That was so cheesy. I just – I know things have been kind of, you know, but- I want to fix it. I want us to be… us again.”

Kurt felt his shoulders start to sag with relief.

“Blaine, I’m so glad you said that-”

“I mean, the last month has been so hard on both of us, and I know we’re both trying to move on in our separate ways, but- it’s not working, okay? It’s killing me. I feel like- like I’m doing this without you.” Kurt almost started to talk again, to make some attempt at an explanation, but Blaine kept going, taking both of Kurt’s hands in his. “I’m not blaming you. The fact that we’re both doing what we can to get past this, we knew it wouldn’t be easy. And honey, it was so brave of you to take the baby in when you knew we couldn’t keep her. You’re such a good man.” He cupped Kurt’s cheek in his palm. “Some days I don’t know how I ever got so lucky – but lately we’ve been different. I thought we could get through anything, but if we don’t do something about this… I’ve never been this scared for us before. I miss you. I miss your hands and your lips and- you won’t even touch me in bed, Kurt. Not in a sex way, just- I don’t know how to sleep when I’m not touching you. I can’t remember.”

He’d started off almost excited, a little bounce in his words, but now he looked so small and lost, his voice catching in his throat, tears in his eyes, and Kurt knew it was partly his fault. He’d made his own husband look like that. Desperate to do something, anything to make it stop, he grabbed Blaine’s face and kissed him hard.

“Don’t be scared, Blaine,” he whispered through a sucked-in breath between kisses, “I’m here. I promise.” He kissed him again, and despite being taken by surprise, Blaine kissed him back.

He couldn’t let him keep saying those nice things about him when they weren’t true. Kurt was anything but brave. He was selfish. He should have told him everything, but that would have just proved Blaine wrong, and shown him that he really had been dealing with this alone. The one person he thought was truly with him had been lying. Kurt couldn’t take that one last bit of comfort away. So he gave Blaine everything he had. He kissed him, pulled at his lip with his teeth, held him close, pulled him to the wall so Blaine was pinning him against it.

He tried to focus on Blaine, the taste of his lips and his tongue, the smell of his shampoo, the feel of his hair between his fingers, but all the wrong thoughts kept flicking through his mind – thoughts about Marley and Daisy. He opened his eyes and pulled back so he could look at Blaine.

“I love you. I’ll always love you. Remember that, okay?”

Blaine frowned, lips and cheeks rosy, out of breath and confused, but he nodded.

“I know,” he whispered, taking Kurt’s face in his hands, “I will. I love you too, so much.”

Kurt kissed him again, almost fiercely, before tugging him towards the stairs.

“Come on. I believe you mentioned bed.”

Blaine paused, knowing something was off.

“But dinner- you know we don’t have to-”

His voice was so full of concern it made Kurt feel sick. He squashed it and gave Blaine another kiss before plastering on a grin and dashing up the stairs. Blaine shook his head a little, trying to figure out what was happening, but he followed.

Kurt dragged Blaine towards the bed, starting to unbutton his shirt. Blaine put a hand over his and tried to hold it to his chest.

“Kurt, I didn’t mean- you know I don’t mind about that, right?”

Kurt nodded, looking down at Blaine’s collar instead of his face.

“Mmhmm. I want to.”

He slid his hand free of Blaine’s grasp and skimmed down his side before kissing him and groping blindly at the front of his pants. Blaine’s hips flinched away.

“Woah, slow down-”

Kurt shook his head.

“Want you, Blaine. Need you.” He pressed another hard kiss to Blaine’s lips. “Please.”

Blaine felt a twitch as Kurt pulled him close again, rocking their hips together just enough to create some friction. He was so tired, so sick of feeling far away from Kurt, so desperate to make him happy that he gave in to his impulses, in spite of his better judgement. He had to take any closeness he could get.

Kurt pushed Blaine onto the bed and climbed on top of him, continuing to palm him roughly through his trousers, making his eyes fall closed.

“God, Kurt-”

Kurt’s fingers fumbled around Blaine’s buckle and tugged at his pants, pulling them down and wrapping his fingers around Blaine’s erection. “Jesus,” Blaine whined, everything falling into a blur but the wet heat of Kurt’s mouth on him. Kurt’s hips rocked back and forth automatically where he was straddling Blaine’s leg, but his body didn’t have the usual response. He started to wriggle out of his pants and stroke himself, bucking towards his hand to try and get some kind of reaction, but nothing.

“Kurt,” Blaine whispered, “it’s okay, let me-” he started to prop himself up on an elbow, but Kurt pushed him back down and kissed him.

“No. Better idea.”

He turned away to stand and shove his pants down past his knees and kick them off, before clambering back onto the bed in determination. He took Blaine’s hand and moved it behind him, and down towards his ass. “Now.”

“Hold on,” Blaine tried to roll out from under him, “let me get-”

“No, Blaine, need you now.”

Blaine’s eyes were no longer lidded and hazy – they filled with concern again.

“Kurt, no- I don’t want to hurt you-”

Kurt was already lining Blaine’s dick up to his hole, rocking back and forth so he could feel him between his cheeks, dry, unprepared and tense. He knew it would be painful, and he didn’t care.

“M’fine-”

“You’re not really going to- you’re not even-”

Kurt took his own cock in his hand, less to stimulate himself than to hide from Blaine that he wasn’t feeling anything. He reached back to try and guide Blaine up to his entrance, trying to push himself back onto him. His body refused to give, and he couldn’t help letting out a cry of pain. Blaine grabbed his hips and sat up, holding him still.

“No-”

“Kurt, would you just stop?”

Kurt stilled in Blaine’s lap and looked at him, tears in his eyes. He did up a button on his shirt that had come undone, his cheeks a furious pink.

“I’m sorry.”

Blaine cupped Kurt’s cheek with his hand and wiped away a tear with his thumb.

“No, you don’t have to- I know you’re angry, okay, but don’t take it out on us. You didn’t do anything wrong, remember?”

Kurt wanted nothing more than to sink into Blaine’s arms, feel the fabric of his shirt against his cheek, let himself be held, but nothing felt right. He wanted Blaine to do something awful, to be angry with him, but he was still so frustratingly understanding, because he had no idea what Kurt had done. He smoothed his hands over Blaine’s shoulders. They were both shaking, not sure what had just happened. There had been times when they’d had trouble getting things going, when they were tired or drunk or stressed, but they would always laugh it off, take a bath together, happily spend hours just making out for the sake of it instead, but now Kurt felt embarrassed – no, ashamed. Blaine had said ‘no’ and he almost hadn’t listened. He’d never known himself to be that aggressive before.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. I just- I don’t know what to do.”

There was a pause. Neither of them did.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?”

Kurt shook his head. More silence.

“Dinner?”

Blaine nodded.

Kurt climbed off of Blaine, suddenly stupidly aware of how naked his bottom half was. They both got dressed again, awkward and embarrassed, not looking at each other. They used to be unable to keep their hands to themselves in times like this, but tonight it was tainted. Kurt felt cheap, and a heaviness had settled in his stomach. They were quiet as they pushed food around their plates. Blaine asked how Kurt’s day had been and he had to lie. Even at the same table, they felt as though they were in different worlds.


	6. Chapter 6

Kurt wondered, as he asked Brittany whereabouts Blaine was, how much she knew about them right now. If Blaine had told anyone about what a mess they were these days, if everyone had figured out he was unhappy, if maybe he’d spoken to one of them. He wondered if he’d cried. He was already starting to regret his decision to try and get some normality back by dropping by the hospital for a lunch date. She was on the phone, smiley as ever, and she nodded to her left. He walked down the corridor until he saw Blaine in a room with a mother and child. He turned away as usual, giving them their privacy, but he found himself doing a double take. It couldn’t be.

Marley’s face lit up when she saw him, and he thought his heart was going to beat its way out of his chest.

“Kurt! Hi!”

He knew he had to go in, his hand shaking as he opened the door, visions of his life falling apart flashing before his eyes. Blaine stared in confusion between them.

“Hey, Marley. Um. How are you? How’s Daisy?”

“Wh-” Blaine started, but Marley was too excited to see a familiar face to notice him worrying.

“She’s great, right, Blaine?”

Blaine stayed still. Daisy was far from great. Underweight, stressed, dirty clothes – if she wasn’t already on social services’ radar he’d be filling out paperwork for her right now. He didn’t have the presence of mind to correct her though, as he was too busy trying to figure out how the hell she knew Kurt. The only sound was the door clicking shut.

“What are you doing here, anyway? You’re not sick or anything, are you?”

“No, no, just- visiting.”

“He’s my- my husband. How do you-”

“What?” She blinked at Kurt, piecing everything together in her mind. Out of the corner of his eye, Blaine spotted Rachel coming back with a cup of coffee, and Mike stopping her in her tracks.

***

“There you are. I want to have a word with you.”

“Oh! Hi! What’s up?”

“I just want to know exactly what was going through your head when you brought her here. Did it seriously not occur to you that this could be difficult for him?”

“Please, Dr Chang,” Rachel tried to argue, “I’m just trying to make things as easy for Marley as possible. She’s scared and I thought a familiar face might be comforting for her and the baby-”

“He’s got enough to worry about! Do you think giving that baby up was easy for him?”

“Of course not, but-”

“Honestly, I think it was pretty ridiculous to give her to them in the first place. I thought there was a six-month rule.”

“What do you-”

“They must have told you their surrogate miscarried, what, a week before Blaine found the baby?”

“A week?”

“They lose one baby, and you make them give another one up a week later? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“No, no, that’s not- Kurt told me it was eight months ago-”

“Trust me. I was there when Blaine got the call. I remember when it was.”

Rachel turned to look inside the room, now containing Blaine, Marley, the baby, and Kurt.

“Oh, God.”

***

“So you- you knew who I was? Have you been, like- stalking me or something?”

“No, no, I just- I just saw her, and you looked like- I just wanted to help-”

“So you thought I looked so totally hopeless that you had to step in and save me? Like, if you could prove how awful I was then you could- have her? Is that what you wanted to do?”

“Marley, no-”

“And all that stuff about helping me, was that all some kind of game? You just wanted to check up on my baby or something?”

“Please just let me- I only wanted to help you. You’re a good person, Marley, I just thought you deserved a break. I never meant it to go this far, I swear.”

She shook her head in disbelief, and Blaine just stared at him, eyes shining with tears. He looked like he’d been punched in the gut. Marley held Daisy a little more closely, as if she were scared Kurt was going to snatch her. Both of their faces showed nothing but betrayal.

Just then, the door opened and Rachel walked in.

“Kurt, Blaine- why did you lie about the miscarriage?”

Mike shook his head apologetically for telling her. He didn’t know why the hell she thought it was appropriate to have this conversation in front of the girl.

“We- it was my fault. I just couldn’t stand the idea of her going to a group home, and you said there weren’t any other options- I promise, I was just trying to help…” he tailed off. Even though it was true that he’d wanted to help, he knew that wasn’t the only reason. He couldn’t even convince himself; what hope did he have of convincing them?

“Blaine, did you know about this? Did you know he’d been helping me?”

Blaine, usually the epitome of calm in this kind of situation, stood with his mouth open, no idea how to respond.

“Marley, I promise he had no idea-”

“How am I supposed to believe anything you say? I’m out of here. Come on, honey.”

She clutched Daisy to her chest and picked up her bags and left. Rachel looked at Kurt and Blaine in confusion for a second before following her.

“Marley, sweetie, let me give you a ride home, okay? We can talk in the car…”

Mike swallowed.

“I’m sorry. I thought she knew- I-”

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Mike. It’s fine.”

Looking at the two of them, he could see they were a long way away from ‘fine’, and he decided to leave them alone.

“Blaine, I-”

“You know this could really fuck everything up, right? Social services is gonna put a big black mark next to our names now. They keep records of stuff like this. We might never- fuck, Kurt.”

He wasn’t even shouting. He looked completely drained. He’d been tortured by all of this too, but he’d dealt with it like a normal person. He’d tried to talk to him so many times, and all Kurt had done was lie and- and now he’d completely messed it all up. Now they’d probably never have a family. They might not even have had a marriage any more.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine, it was just one little thing that got out of hand, and I- if I could go back, I… Blaine, please tell me we’re going to get through this. We are, right? We’ll be okay, won’t we?”

“You should probably go home. I’ll talk to you later. Just- go.”

He wanted to scream, to beg Blaine to forgive him, do anything to try and fix things, but it seemed so impossible. He nodded.

“Okay. Blaine, I- I love you. I love you with all my heart. This doesn’t change that. Nothing will.”

Blaine looked at the floor.

Kurt left.

***

The house was quiet. When Blaine got back, it seemed to get even quieter.

Blaine slept on the couch.

***

“Maybe he just needs time,” Quinn said, sipping her latte and holding Kurt’s hand. “You’ve both been through so much, it’s bound to take time. He’ll forgive you.”

Kurt shook his head.

“I’m not sure any more. It’s never been like this before. Even when the worst has happened, and I’ve felt like the world was going to end,” she opened her mouth to apologise, “no, Quinn. It wasn’t your fault. Just- there’s always been me and Blaine. No matter what, we’ve been the one constant in everything. Even when we couldn’t bear to speak, because we knew we’d just break down crying, we still touched each other all the time. Even if it was something as small as holding hands, it was always just there, and now it’s not. I’m scared, Quinn.”

“I know you are.”

“And what hurts the most- even though I always wanted to have kids, the whole point of everything we did to try and have a baby, it was because of him. He made me want to have a family, but not just any family. I wanted it with him. I would never want to do it with anybody else. But now- kids or not, I just want him. Losing the baby I could handle, but losing him- I can’t.”

“Kurt, I’m saying this because I’m your friend and I love you. Why the fuck are you telling me this? Tell _him_. I know you need him, and he deserves to know it too.”

He swallowed, even though he hadn’t touched his drink. He nodded slowly. Hugging her tightly and kissing her hair, he picked up his things and left.

***

“Blaine?” he called out as he walked into the house. Blaine was in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. “Hey. I need to talk to you.”

“I’ve had a long day, Kurt. I was just going to take a shower and go to sleep. I’m exhausted.”

“Oh. Didn’t sleep well on the couch?” Blaine shook his head. Kurt stepped forward and took his hands. “Come back to the bed then.”

“Not this again, Kurt, not after the other day-”

Kurt shuddered thinking of it, and shook his head. His composure was different from before. Not frantic, just calm and certain.

“No. I just- I know I haven’t been honest with you, and it’s been eating me up inside. That’s not us. That’s never been us.”

“It’s not like I haven’t been trying, Kurt. I’ve been trying to talk to you and you’ve been shutting me out.”

“Because I hated myself for lying to you, okay? You kept being so sweet and kind and so _you_ , and I was lying the whole time- I didn’t deserve to have you being so good to me.”

Blaine couldn’t keep trying to be stony-faced. The facade started to crumble, and his forehead crinkled with concern. His hands started to squeeze Kurt’s.

“Don’t say that. It’s not true.”

“I lied to you. I lied to her.”

“But you did _help_ her. Honestly, I don’t want to think about what state the baby would have been in if you hadn’t bought her groceries. It’s not like I wouldn’t have done the same thing if I’d been there.”

“I know. You know yesterday, when I said ‘If I could go back’? Well, I wouldn’t change what I did. I would have just been more honest about it. I’m not sorry I helped her. I know I didn’t exactly have the most honourable intentions, but I’m glad I did it anyway. I just hate that it affected us.”

“I know. And I think you’re more honourable than you think you are. I didn’t marry a man who can just walk away from someone who needs help.” Kurt rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. “Just, Kurt- I know you want children. We’ve talked about babies for years. But- if we can’t- I just need to know,” he sniffed a little, “I need to know that I’m still going to be enough for you.”

“God, Blaine, you’re more than enough. You’re all the family I need. I promise. If you’ll still have me.”

Blaine took a deep breath, letting his eyes fall closed. They were glittering with tears when he opened them again.

“I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to have a bath instead of a shower.”

Kurt spun around as Blaine let go of his hands and walked towards the stairs.

“Blaine-”

Blaine offered a hand.

“Care to join me?”

Kurt smiled and took it.

“I’d love to.”

As the water ran, they started to kiss gently and slowly undress each other, treasuring every inch of skin, drawing soft moans out of one another, until they finally stepped into the water. Kurt’s back had the weight lifted from it as it lined up with Blaine’s chest and he hummed happily as he felt Blaine’s strong hands massaging his shoulders and stroking over his stomach. He let Blaine look after him and adore him in a way he hadn’t for weeks, and he’d never needed or valued it so much.

***

A month later, they were starting to feel like themselves again. Kurt was comfortable enough to work at home again. Blaine was just doing the shifts he was scheduled for, rather than picking up doubles at the last minute. Kurt was drawing again, Blaine was singing again, they were even dancing in the kitchen together while they cooked. They were almost like newlyweds again, and they carried out their tradition of putting up their Christmas decorations, dizzy from egg nog, tinsel and Perry Como. Kurt giggled as Blaine twirled him around the living room, producing mistletoe as if from nowhere and laying a smooch on him, kissing and kissing until they were both breathless and blushing and wrapped up in each other.

They still thought about the baby, the future, their options now, but they figured it could all wait. The two of them were the priority right now. And they took turns making each other talk about anything that was bothering them.

***

Ignoring the sketches all over his desk, Kurt sighed dreamily to himself as he considered what he could send Blaine to try and make him blush, which would obviously require revenge when he got home. He started to tap out ‘last night was okay, for a rehearsal. I assume the real thing’s happening tonight – or do you need more practice? xxx’ when his phone started ringing. Unknown number. Kurt frowned but answered anyway.

“Hello?”

There was just muffled noise on the end at first, the sounds of someone being out of breath, then he realised they were crying. That’s when he heard a second voice in the background, crying harder.

Shit.

“Marley? Is that you? Did you… call me by accident?”

“No, I- I’m so sorry, I just, I didn’t know who to call… god, this was a bad idea, sorry, I’ll just-”

“Wait, Marley, it’s okay. What’s wrong?”

“Um… everything.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“I don’t know. I just need help.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can, sweetie. Hold tight, okay?”

He heard a loud sniff.

“Okay. Thanks, Kurt.”

***

He heard a few thuds before she answered the door. When she did, she threw her arms around his waist and all he could do was stroke her hair and try to shush her.

“Hey, hey, okay honey,” he said in his most soothing tone, “tell me what’s the matter.”

She finally looked up at him and her face was streaked with tears. As he glanced around the room, it was obvious what was wrong – just like she said on the phone. Everything. The apartment was a mess and the baby was screaming, and Marley looked completely miserable. She’d lost weight, and there wasn’t much of her to begin with, and Kurt may not have been an expert but the little girl on the changing mat couldn’t be the right size for a baby her age.

“I shouldn’t have called you, I’m so sorry- she just- she won’t stop. I’ve tried everything, and all she does is scream, and I- I don’t have anybody else.”

At 16, Kurt would have flown into the exact same panic. 28-year-old Kurt didn’t even come close to it. He kept his voice steady and gentle as he guided Marley towards the couch.

“Right. Sit down.”

She sat.

“Take this one,” he said, checking the tape on Daisy’s diaper was secure before picking her up, holding her for a moment to calm her, and passing her over to Marley. “Just hold her. If there’s nothing wrong then she probably just wants some attention.” He stroked her shoulders a little. “And try to relax. She’ll be able to tell if you’re stressed out.”

“If that’s what it is then she’ll never stop. Kurt, look- she’s still crying.”

“It’s okay, Marley. Just give her a little time. Do you have any formula?”

“I tried that-”

“Then we’ll try again. This might sound weird, but have you ever sung to her? We-” he paused, unsure of what was and wasn’t safe territory, “it worked before. I bet hearing your voice will help.”

“Um- I haven’t- what should I sing?”

“Anything you like. Who’s your favourite singer?”

“Um… my mom used to play Carole King to me when I was little.”

Kurt smiled.

“Perfect. Use that.”

She hesitated, staring down at the baby as she squirmed uncomfortably. Kurt started to tidy up what he could in the apartment, hoping she would be distracted enough not to notice him. His heart ached as he listened to her; her voice was beautiful, but so full of sadness.

_“Cause it’s too late, baby, now it’s too late, though we really did try to make it…”_

He bagged up the trash, noticing that Daisy’s cries had grown much quieter- almost stopped completely. He turned to see if maybe Marley was starting to smile, but she wasn’t. She stayed so inhibited, so worried, and not just because of the song. The place was already starting to look better, but he knew it wasn’t really enough. It could never last. She just couldn’t deal with this.

_“Something inside has died, and I can’t hide, and I just can’t fake it…”_

He wanted to sing along, to sit on the couch with her and hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay. All he wanted to do was make everything better, but there was no way he could. He just bit his lip and kept listening. The baby wasn’t crying any more, but Marley must still have been tense, because she still seemed uncomfortable. They both did.

“Marley… are you getting help from Social Services? From Rachel?”

Marley shook her head and shrugged.

“Well, they’re trying, but- there’s only so much they can do.”

“But- have you told somebody that things- aren’t exactly-”

She shook her head again.

“Just you. Nobody else- I don’t know. They don’t get it. Not really.”

Kurt nodded. They could give her money, just enough to scrape by, but it wasn’t really support. It wasn’t the same as having friends or family helping out. She had nobody to talk to, never mind someone to help her raise a baby.

“You know, if you ever need anything, I’ll try to help – I mean, I know I messed everything up before, but-”

Marley looked at the baby, tears in her eyes, and up at Kurt.

“Take her.”


	7. Chapter 7

Kurt blinked.

“What?”

“Take her.”

“I don’t- you’re supposed to hate me, Marley. I lied to you.”

“Kurt, you’re the only person who’s done anything for us- well, you and Blaine. Every time I’ve seen you hold her, she stops crying. You’ve got a house, and a job, and you’re married and-”

“But- maybe with some more help- maybe social services can-”

“No, Kurt. I don’t want-” she stopped herself guiltily for a moment before continuing. “I love her. I love her more than- more than I thought I could love anything. That’s why you should take her. She needs more than I can give her.”

She bent her head down to kiss Daisy’s hair, then eased her into Kurt’s arms. He knew he should resist, but his body took over, automatically cradling her in the crook of his elbow. He couldn’t help but feel so at home holding her. As he felt her warm little frame nestle into his chest, her heart beating strongly against his skin, goosebumps erupted across his arms and he let out a shaky breath, his pulse racing.

“Marley, I- you could still- I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”

“I’ve been thinking about it since I met you. I know what happens to girls like me, Kurt. They get lost. They get stuck just like this forever.” She glanced around the cramped, messy apartment. “It’s not what I want for her, or for me. You can give her a home. You’ve practically been a dad to me already, and you’re amazing at it.”

“But- what about you? You can’t stay here all by yourself. You need to go back to school, maybe- maybe go back home? Maybe if your mom knew- you could both go back to live with her?”

Marley looked at the baby again and took a very slow breath in and out before shaking her head.

“I- I don’t want to be a mom yet. I’m miserable. I’m not done being a kid. This isn’t working.”

Kurt’s arms tightened around Daisy. He tried and tried not to let himself get sucked into this – there was no way it could work, but… what if it did? What if he and Blaine could-

“No. Marley, this is crazy. You can’t- we could never- it won’t work. I doubt social services would ever let us…”

“I’ll make them. I’ll talk to Rachel. The day I met you, I wished I could be more like you. Or I wished Daisy could have a parent like you. Someone with their life together. You and Blaine, you’re perfect for her.”

Kurt took Marley’s hand and squeezed, trying (and failing) not to cry.

“You know- you know you could see her as often as you wanted, right? We’d want you to be a part of her life, as much as you like-”

She nodded, finally smiling as she saw him starting to get his head around the idea. It was the most certain she’d felt about anything for months.

“I know. Please, Kurt. Be her dad.”

Kurt’s mouth hung open, his stomach churning.

“Well- we’d need to speak to Rachel. Maybe- if you’re sure-”

“I’m sure. I mean, I almost said it when you took us for lunch, but then- and now that you’re here, after everything… you love her, don’t you?”

Kurt bit his lip, looked at the baby and nodded.

“And Blaine? Do you think he’d- would he want to?”

“God, yes. Without a doubt. But, Marley, I’m still not letting you stay here. We’ll contact your mom, I’ll help, we can work something out, okay?”

Marley blushed a little.

“Maybe. But I want to call Rachel first.”

***

Rachel was even more baffled than Kurt, but Marley was so sure of herself, more so than every other time Rachel had seen her. She looked as though a weight had been lifted off her, which in a way it had. She let Daisy’s hand clutch onto her little finger as Kurt held her while they talked to Rachel and several other people, all of whom kept asking if she was really sure. Every time she said yes, Kurt’s heart got a little lighter. 

She was really serious, and as more people’s frowns turned into I-see-no-reason-why-nots, Kurt felt a warm swell in his chest, as if a flood of feeling were about to spill out of him. He didn’t dare let himself smile, but as he saw Marley, breathing steadily, sad but so certain, all he could think about was telling Blaine.

“Well,” Rachel said, flustered and confused but happy, “it looks like everybody wants the same thing, right?”

Kurt and Marley looked at each other, then at the baby, then back to Rachel. They nodded.

“Yes.”

“Then I guess… I guess you should call your husband. You’ve got a lot of paperwork to do.”

***

“Blaine? Are you busy?”

Blaine looked up from the newspaper he was reading, his mouth full of turkey sandwich.

“Yep. Hungry. Important business,” he mumbled through his food.

Brittany smiled.

“Well, you might feel differently in a minute. You have visitors in conference room B.”

He frowned and dusted the crumbs from his collar, swallowing a little too much at once.

“Who? If it’s Kurt, he can just come in here.”

“It’s not _just_ Kurt. Blaine, will you just get up there?”

Blaine raised an eyebrow.

“Kurt’s never _just_ anything. Alright, give me two seconds-”

She grabbed his elbow.

“Now.”

She dragged a confused Blaine into the office full of people, and he looked at each one in turn – Rachel, Marley, Kurt- and the baby. The baby in Kurt’s arms.

“What- what’s happening? Kurt?”

“I didn’t steal her, I promise.”

Blaine glared at him.

“Is that supposed to be funny?”

“Blaine,” Marley interrupted, “it’s- it’s okay. I’ve been thinking for a long time, and I’ve been talking to Kurt and Rachel, and- I’d like you both to take Daisy. If you want to.”

Blaine stared in shock for a moment. Kurt reached his free hand towards his.

“Honey? Did you hear her?”

“I- but- of course we want her. I can’t even- but this is all so- where did this even come from? Is something wrong? Are you sick?”

Marley shook her head.

“No. I’m just tired. This isn’t right, for either of us. Please, Blaine.”

He looked at her and saw the calm clarity in her eyes. This wasn’t the same girl he met a few weeks ago. She looked so exhausted, resigned, but mostly just certain. He stepped forward and hugged her.

“Tell us how we can make this easier. For you, for her, whatever you want, we’ll do it.”

She smiled and allowed herself a moment to bury her face in his shoulder, closing her eyes. It felt so nice to be looked after for a minute. She felt like a little girl, with her mother’s arms around her. She knew she had a phone call to make, but for now she just stepped back.

“You could try holding her. You know, if you want to.”

A nervous smile crept onto Blaine’s face, and he looked from Marley to Kurt to the baby. He nodded.

“Very much.”

He turned to Kurt, who was blushing and grinning like an idiot as he passed the bundle over to Blaine, both of them being so careful not to hurt her that it took forever. Kurt’s hand, now free of baby, found its way to Blaine’s waist and he leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“You okay?” Kurt asked, even though he wasn’t really worried by how quiet Blaine was. They both knew better than to jump for joy in front of Marley. His smile showed it all anyway. He looked down at her, beaming brightly, mouthing ‘hi!’ when she gazed back at him. Marley had to blink back a few tears, and Kurt gave her hand a squeeze. She smiled. She didn’t try to hide the hint of sadness in her eyes, that they immediately made more of a family than she could provide, but it all felt right. She had all the time in the world to become a parent some day. Now she could get back to being a kid. Kurt felt Blaine trembling under his fingertips.

“Okay is one way of putting it. Kurt, she- I-” he gave up on words and settled for a nod as a tear dropped onto the baby’s cheek.

***

They said their tearful goodbyes, Marley sad but smiling, Rachel flustered, all of their heads spinning a little, and Mike ordered Blaine to go home with his family. He didn’t need that much convincing. They cooed over the baby in her carrier in the taxi home – a rare luxury, but they needed calm and quiet, not the chaos of the subway – occasionally looking up at each other with mischievous grins. They still felt like they were doing something they shouldn’t have been: actually letting themselves enjoy having her for the first time. The hint of sadness from last time had disappeared. With Kurt gently stroking her hair, and her hand grasping onto Blaine’s finger, they felt at ease, relaxed… they felt happy.

They paid up, went inside, locked the door and sat down, Blaine lifting Daisy out of her seat and holding her close.

“So… now what? Does she need feeding?” Kurt shook his head. Blaine held her up and sniffed. “She’s all clean. She- she seems fine.” She blew a spit bubble and gurgled. “Does that mean you’re fine, baby girl? Yeah?”

She snuffled.

“I think she’s okay,” Kurt grinned, “more than okay. Amazing.”

Blaine nodded.

“I just can’t- is this really it? Is she ours? We must have to do something.”

“Oh, we’ve got plenty to do. Diapers. Feeding. First steps, potty training, take her to school… we’ve got to be parents. You ready?”

Blaine took a deep breath, nodding.

“Super ready. Get up.”

“What?”

Blaine put Daisy back in her carrier, and her eyes drifted closed.

“Up. Now. I need to do something.”

Kurt stood up, frowning. He’d figured Blaine would want to hold the baby as much as possible, now that he was actually allowed to enjoy having her. Before he could figure out what was happening, Blaine had stepped around the car seat on the floor and grabbed him into a hug.

“Oh, Blaine-”

“I just had to- I love you so much, Kurt, okay? I mean, I’m so so happy right now, but I would have been if- but she- god, this is just-”

“I know. I love you too.”

Blaine just kept squeezing him, stroking his back, gripping onto his shoulders, kissing his cheek, his neck, his jaw, and they stayed that way until they were both crying and grinning from ear to ear.

“We’ve got a baby.”

“Yes, we have.”

***

Marley Rose walked through the cafeteria, as she always did, on her way out of school. Her mother was just cleaning up for the weekend, and she stopped to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Are you staying at theirs for dinner tonight, sweetie?”

“I don’t know. Depends who’s cooking,” she said with a grin, “but I promise I’ll be home by eight.”

Millie raised an eyebrow.

“You really promise?”

Marley rolled her eyes with a grin. It filled her chest with warmth every time her mother worried about her. It was nice to be looked after again.

“On the dot.”

She kissed her cheek and her bag swung on her shoulder as she skipped out.

She opened the door with her own key.

“There you are! We were worried about you!”

Marley grinned. More people worrying about her. Kurt pulled her into a hug and Blaine followed, a little girl with rosy cheeks and a huge smile balanced on his hip.

“Mama!”

“Okay, baby, you want to go see Mama?”

“Ma!”

“Hey, sweetie!” Marley cooed as Blaine passed her over. She kissed her fuzzy hair and cuddled her, as she wrapped her arms around her neck and cuddled back. “Oh, honey, look at you getting so big!”

“She’s been a firecracker all day, so hopefully she’ll settle down for you.”

Marley wasn’t listening to Blaine, too busy rubbing her nose against Daisy’s.

“Uh-huh,” she giggled, peppering Daisy’s cheeks with kisses until she screamed with laughter. “Oh, a certain letter arrived yesterday. With a very important looking stamp on it.”

Kurt grabbed Blaine’s hand.

“Oh my god, Marley, you got in?”

She nodded.

“You know if you hadn’t helped me with my essay-”

“No, Marley. It’s because of you. You’re an amazing woman, and you could get in wherever you want, and-”

Blaine rolled his eyes at Kurt and gave Marley a hug, careful not to squash Daisy.

“That’s fantastic, honey. Well done.”

Kurt grinned and stopped rambling.

“Of course, sweetie,” she kissed her cheek, “we’re proud of you.”

“So, college girl, how would you two like some time to yourselves? We can go finish getting dinner ready – are you staying?”

“Yes, please,” she beamed, taking Daisy through to the living room. She sat at the piano, teasing out the few chords Blaine had taught her and encouraging Daisy to sing along with her. Blaine and Kurt stayed in the doorway for a moment, calmly watching them together. Marley was like a different person. She was so confident, so happy, so excited about her future instead of resigning herself to being miserable. This wasn’t the family routine they’d ever had in mind for themselves. They knew it would be the two of them. They’d dreamed they might have children. They’d never imagined that they would have a baby in the way that they did, or that their daughter’s mother would be just as much a part of their family as she was, that they’d be able to give two girls a brighter future instead of just one, but they had. This was their family.

They’d been right about one thing, though. As Blaine hooked his chin over Kurt’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his middle, as Kurt folded his arms over Blaine’s and leaned his cheek on Blaine’s hair, as they absent-mindedly tangled their fingers together, watching Marley and Daisy playing, they felt the familiar warmth in their chests, knowing that this had always been certain. Whatever their family looked like, it would always include the two of them. Fearlessly and forever.

***

_  
**November 12th, 2002**  
_

“Mama, mama,” Blaine says, tugging at the hem of his mother’s sleeve, dragging her towards a shelf of toys. She rolls her eyes and smiles; he’s been like this for a month already, every time they see a toy commercial or walk past a toy store. Until recently the supermarket had been safe, but now the festive season is well underway and toys are inescapable.

She likes to think of herself as fairly wise when it comes to parenting. She’s been through all of this with Cooper years ago – cars and robots and transformers – but Blaine’s pulling towards the pink aisle instead of the blue one. She doesn’t mind, of course, but it’s a surprise. “Look at this!”

“What are you looking at, sweetie?”

Blaine picks up a doll. It’s not noticeably male or female, just a baby. Blaine immediately picks it up and cradles it against his chest.

“Shh, shh, don’t cry, it’s okay. I’ll look after you.”

She smiles at him. He likes soccer and making mud pies and chasing dogs, but he’s still one of the gentlest little boys she’s ever seen. She strokes his curls and bends to kiss his temple.

“Aren’t you good at that, darling? You got the baby to go to sleep. Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Girl.”

“Well, she’s very pretty.” She notices a woman next to her with toys in her basket – a wand, a tiara, and she’s just about to pick up the doll next to Blaine’s. Mrs Anderson almost blushes – to other parents this would be a girl’s toy, but the woman smiles.

“He’s lovely. This is all for my son. They must be about the same age.”

They smile at each other, relieved not to get any strange looks.

“He’s always been very nurturing. His father thinks he’s going to be a doctor. I think he just wants to be a dad.”

“Hey, maybe he’ll be both.” She bends down to smile at the little boy. “Hi, honey, what’s your name?”

Blaine beams at the woman, his cheeks rosy, grasping his mother’s hand for comfort but still keeping the doll nestled in his arm.

“Blaine.”

“That’s a lovely name. Mine’s Elizabeth. I’ve got a little boy who likes playing with dolls too. Maybe after Christmas, if Santa brings both of you nice toys, you could play together?”

Blaine’s face lights up. He thinks this lady must be an angel. She’s got such a soft smile, and she smells beautiful, like flowers and sunshine. Her little boy must be beautiful too, and Blaine decides he wants him to be his best friend.

“I would love that! What’s his name?”

“His name’s Kurt. Why don’t your mommy and I exchange phone numbers, and then you can meet him?”

Blaine nods so quickly his head becomes a blur.

“Yes, please, Miss Elizabeth.”

She smiles again, and she and Blaine’s mother talk for a while. Blaine stops listening. He goes back to playing with the doll, stroking her hair, holding her hand, kissing her cheek just like his mother does to him. He can’t wait to meet Kurt. They can be best friends and hold hands and look after their babies together.

Christmas comes and goes, and there’s no call from Elizabeth. In a different part of Ohio, a little boy hangs up a perfume bottle by himself and asks Santa for nothing but his mommy back. Blaine gets the doll he wanted, but he wishes he could have gotten the new best friend that was promised to him.

***

**  
_December 25th, 2030_  
**

Kurt hums contentedly as he’s woken gently by a warm arm around his middle and soft lips on his neck.

“Merry Christmas, darling,” Blaine mumbles into his skin, “have you been good this year?”

Kurt grins, his eyes still closed, unfazed now by Blaine’s cheesiness. If he can’t do it at Christmas, when can he?

“Oh, I don’t know about ‘good’. But I think I should get presents anyway.”

“Mmm, maybe right after I teach you a lesson…”

They both giggled, rolling over until Kurt was covered by Blaine’s warm body, fingertips pushing lazily at pyjamas, lips just starting to explore jawlines and sheets starting to rustle, when the door squeaked open.

“He came! Santa came!”

They stilled, laughing silently for a second. Kurt tilted his head so he could see past Blaine and smile at his excited little girl in the doorway. Blaine pressed one more quick kiss to Kurt’s cheek before rolling onto his side and leaning on his elbow, running a hand through his hair.

“Morning, baby.”

“Santa came! It’s Christmas!”

“Well, of course he came, sweetheart,” Kurt said as Daisy sprinted over to their bed, jumping on top of them, “you’ve been very, very good this year. Hasn’t she, Daddy?”

“Oof,” Blaine said when Daisy’s knee landed on his stomach. He sat up and grabbed her by the middle, blowing a raspberry on her tummy until she squealed. “I’m not sure. Santa might have just wrapped up twenty lumps of coal and put them under the tree.”

“What?” She gasped, the smile disappearing from her face. “But I was so good! That’s not fair!”

Kurt elbowed Blaine in the ribs.

“Maybe you should go downstairs and get your presents. If you bring them all up here, we can all open them in bed, okay?”

She nodded eagerly and started to clamber down from the bed, but Blaine stopped her, keeping her on his lap for a moment.

“Hold on a second, Dasher. What do we do before presents?”

Daisy sighed heavily in exasperation.

“Kisses.”

“Bingo.”

She craned her neck up so she could kiss both of her fathers. She tried to wriggle free, but Blaine kept his arm wrapped around her waist until she was giggling breathlessly.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just keep you here and tickle you forever and cancel Christmas.”

“No! Daddy, tell him!”

Kurt stopped laughing just long enough to free her.

“Come on, Papa, let her go. I want my presents.”

“Well, I was about to give it to you…”

Kurt slapped the back of Blaine’s head.

“Angel, why don’t you go down and we’ll come help you in a second, okay?”

She nodded and he lifted her down. They could still hear her yelling ‘Santa came!’ as she ran down to the tree. Blaine sighed.

“At least somebody did.”

Kurt grinned wickedly at his husband.

“Kids are just the worst, aren’t they?”

“Yep.”

“If I promise to make it up to you later, can we please go downstairs and have Christmas with our daughter?”

“Try and stop me.”

Hands linked, they scrambled out of bed, dragging blankets with them, and rushed down the stairs.

Blaine lit the fire, Kurt made breakfast, and they all took turns opening gifts from Grandpa Burt, Grandma Carole, Uncle Mike, Aunt Quinn, and Mama Marley. Blaine’s face lit up at his reindeer sweater-vest and matching bowtie; Daisy spent thirty minutes stroking the bald head of the T-Rex she’d asked for, alternating between cuddling it with her eyes closed and roaring and making it eat her dads. She did this whilst modelling the antlers Blaine had bought her.

Kurt’s favourite gift was from Blaine – a frame containing pictures of their family – one of Marley and Millie, lots of their friends, parents, grandparents, one of the Uncle Finn that Daisy had heard so much about, standing tall in his letterman jacket, and in the middle, one of Kurt, Blaine, and Daisy in the middle. She was already so much bigger now than she had been when that one was taken, all of them in awful Christmas jumpers, a sprig of mistletoe hanging above their heads. The three of them were nestled together on the floor by the fireplace, just like they were now, Daisy happily ripping her wrapping paper into shreds rather than playing with her presents, Kurt and Blaine sitting just behind her. Kurt had no idea the photo even existed – he’d been too busy gazing into Blaine’s eyes. Even now he could remember the way the lights reflected off them, making them look even more golden than usual. He was watching Blaine watching Daisy, their hands resting together on his knee. Her skin was darker than both of theirs, and her hair was even more wildly curly than Blaine’s, but the excitement of her face and the sparkle in her eyes made her so unmistakeably theirs.

He loved both versions of his family – the huge, complicated, extended one, and the one that was in this room right now, but more than anything he loved the man he shared it all with. He remembered a time when he couldn’t imagine having a real family or a real Christmas ever again. Looking at the photograph in his hands, his eyes filling with tears, he whispered ‘thank you’ to the boy who had made it all start to seem possible, and to the man who made it a reality every day.


End file.
